The Shampoozi Diamond

For an Intro to Theater class (easy art credit) that I took while at UVSC we had a few options for what we wanted to do for our final project. One of those options was to write a short play, more of a skit. Something reminded me of this recently so I decided to find it again. After starting to write it around 11:00 p.m. the night before it was due, this is what rolled off the press 3-4 hours later. It is a bit longer than a regular post but if you have a few minutes, I think it's worth a quick read through.

Damon McNeil

TASP 1120

Prof. Clark

28 April 2005

The Shampoozi Diamond

CHARACTERS

(In order of appearance)

Ederick

Jimothy

Tomathan

1.1                        SCENE:  Museum

                        [Enter Ederick and Jimothy]

Ederick

      Make sure that you do exactly what I tell you Jimothy, I don’t want anything to go wrong this time.

Jimothy

      Ederick, are you sure that this is a good idea? 

Ederick

      Yes.

Jimothy

      But don’t you realize what will happen to us if we get caught?

Ederick

      Yes.

Jimothy

      Well then how are you still able to go through with all of this?

Ederick

      Because if we do everything exactly as planned then nothing can go wrong, which means that you are going to have to do what Jimothy?

Jimothy

      I know, I know, I do everything exactly as you tell me to do it.  I don’t touch anything without you telling me to touch it.  I don’t talk to anybody unless you tell me to talk to them.

Ederick

      Good, it sounds like you’re catching on pretty quick.

Jimothy

      I’d be able to do this a lot better if you would just tell me the plans now.  That way I could know what to do and not have to do everything last minute. 

Ederick

      If I told you what all the plans were, then you would start thinking of how to do it your way.  And when you start trying to do things your way, that’s when things go wrong.  That’s when we’d get caught.

Jimothy

      Get caught doing what?

Ederick            (Slipping into a small closet)

      Jimothy! Get in here quick before anybody sees us!

Jimothy            (Casually walking into the closet)

      Ederick I’m not going to take one more step until you tell me everything.

Ederick

      Well that won’t be too bad, seeing how we’re going to stay in here until the museum is closed.

Jimothy

      Tell me now Ederick or I’m not going to be a part of it.  All you’ve told me so far is that we are going to be rich, but that’s not good enough now, I need to know how, and I need to know now.

Ederick

      Alright, I’ll tell you.  But you have to promise that we’ll do it my way and that you’ll do exactly what I tell you to do.

Jimothy

      Alright

Ederick

      On display in this museum are many thousands of artifacts that were found in and around King Fredward’s tomb.  One of these artifacts is the Shampoozi diamond that was found lying next to King Fredward himself.  Not only is it the biggest diamond ever found, but it is also the most clear and pure.  This diamond is worth more money than you could ever imagine.  Tonight we are going to steal it and sell it to a contact of mine in Turkey.

Jimothy

      How do you know somebody in Turkey?

Ederick

      He was a good friend of mine until the United States got a restraining order against him….or something like that.

Jimothy

      A restraining order?

Ederick

      Look, all he told me was that he had a buyer, and if I got him the diamond for him he would give me six billion dollars.

Jimothy

      SIX BILLION DOLLARS?!?

Ederick

      Yes six billion dollars, now will you shut up!  You’re going to blow this thing before we ever even start.

Jimothy

      Ederick this plan sounds wonderful, but how are we going to get this to Turkey without anybody finding out about it?

Ederick

      That’s easy, FedEx.  We’ll just mail it up there.

Jimothy

      It still sounds sketchy to me, but I’ll do it.  I’ll trust you on this one, so what do we do from here?

Ederick

      For now we just wait until midnight, when we can be sure that there is nobody left inside the building.

1.2                        SCENE:  Museum  (midnight)

            Ederick and Jimothy in closet

Ederick

      Jimothy…Jimothy wake up, it’s time.

Jimothy

      Time for what?

Ederick

      Quit acting stupid and get up!  If we’re going to get this diamond then we are going to need to have all of our sense.  Come on we need to do this quick.

Jimothy

      Alright, I’m ready.

                  [Ederick and Jimothy exit closet]

Ederick            (Looks around and spots the diamond)

      Ahhh…there she is.

Jimothy

      Who!?

Ederick

      Not who you idiot, her.  The Shampoozi Diamond.

Jimothy

      Oh, her.

                  [Ederick and Jimothy approach the diamond]

Jimothy

      This can’t be right, where is the bullet proof glass case?  Where are the surveillance cameras?  Where are the heat sensors and the motion detectors?  Ederick I have a really bad feeling about all of this, it’s probably some sort of trap.

Ederick

      Jimothy who would set this up as a trap for us?  Nobody knows anything about us.  This isn’t a trap, it’s just the most perfect set up in the world.  Now quit slapping fate in the face and let’s do this.

Jimothy

      So you’re saying that we just…pick up the diamond and walk out of here?

Ederick

      Yes

Jimothy

      And there won’t be any problems?

Ederick

      None

                  [Enter Security Guard]

Security Guard            (pulling out his gun, shining a flashlight in their faces)

      Freeze you two!

Jimothy                  (raising his hands)

      (whisper) No problems huh?

Ederick                  (raising his hands)

      (whisper) Shut up!

Security Guard

      What are you two doing in here?

Ederick

      Who us?

Security Guard

      No dummy, the other two guys trying to steal that diamond.

                  [Jimothy looks around quickly]

Ederick

      What diamond?

Security Guard

      Don’t play stupid with me.  And keep your hands where I can see ‘em!

Ederick

      So what are you going to do with us?

Security Guard

      I’ll cut you a deal and give you 50%.

Ederick

      What?

Security Guard

      You guys think that I could carry a diamond the size of a soccer ball out of here all by myself?  If you guys help me then after I sell it I’ll give you 50%.

Jimothy

      And what makes you think that we are going to help you?

Security Guard

      Because if you don’t then I call for backup.  And when that happens, the two of you go to prison for a very long time.

Jimothy

      Well neither of us would want you to do that now would we?

Security Guard

      What, and send my only two living brothers to jail?  I don’t think so.

Ederick

      Tomathan?

Tomathan

      You guys didn’t think that I was going to let you two have all the fun now did you?

Ederick

      Where is Samanthica?  I thought that you two were on your way to Paris for your honeymoon.

Tomathan

      Well…that’s only half true.

Jimothy

      Which half?

Tomathan

      She is on her way to Paris. I told her our seats were split up, so I don’t think she’ll realize that I’m gone until the plane lands.

Ederick

      What is she going to do once she figures everything out?

Tomathan

      She’ll probably have a conniption.  But by the time she catches up with me, I’ll have all this money to make things right again.

Jimothy

      I wish I understood women the way you do Tomathan.

Tomathan

      It’s really not that hard.

Ederick

      Thanks for the pep talk Tomathan, but do we really need this now?  If a real security guard sees us here he’s going to know something is up.  We look kind of suspicious with these masks, especially you with that gun.

Tomathan

      Right, they’ll arrest me for holding a gun but not for standing in a museum after hours around the diamond exhibit. 

Jimothy

      What’s that gun for anyway?  We’re not going to hold up the diamond, and we’re definitely not going to shoot it.

Tomathan

      Oh come on Jimothy, you know me better than that.  Do you really think that I would carry a real gun?

Jimothy

      It looks real.

Ederick

      So are we going to do this or what?

Tomathan

      Yeah, but if I’m in this thing then I’m in it all they way.  I need to know what all the plans are with this diamond and everything.

Ederick

      Do you remember my old friend Jackarias?

Tomathan

      The one that was banned from the U.S.?

Ederick

      Yeah, that’s the one.  Anyway, Jackarias is living in Turkey now and he is the one who told me about the diamond.  He’s got a buyer who wants this diamond more than anything.  Jackarias told me that if I got him the diamond safely then he would pay me six billion dollars.  Now I can’t prove it but I think that that is a lot of money.  Plus, we have three people working on it so that makes it eighteen billion dollars!  We’ll be rich beyond our wildest dreams!

Tomathan

      Yes we will be rich Ederick, but I think that you have your math all mixed up.  It is not a multiplication problem, it is a division problem.  It would be the original six billion dollars divided by three people.

Ederick

      Tomathan don’t take me for a fool.  I know that six billion multiplied by three is eighteen billion, so don’t try to trick me.

Tomathan

      No Ederick, I’m not trying to trick you, I’m just saying that he is only going to pay six billion dollars for this job to be done.  Whether you do it alone or you do it with fifteen other people, he is still only going to pay a total of six billion dollars.  So if you divide that six billion between the three of us, we will each have roughly two billion dollars for our own use.

Ederick

      I still say it sounds better the way that I said it.

Tomathan

      Yes it does, but that’s just not the way this all is going to work out, sorry.  But let’s not worry about that anymore, let’s just get this thing and get out of here.

Ederick

      Alright.

Jimothy

      I’m still not sure that this is a good idea.

Ederick

      Jimothy, I didn’t bring you here to think, I brought you here to help me carry this thing out of here.

Jimothy

      Ederick, if anything at all goes wrong we could end up in jail for the rest of our lives.  And is it worth it?  After all, it’s only money.

Ederick

      Only money?  Jimothy this is the most money that anybody that I’ve ever known has ever had. 

Jimothy

      But that will all be gone in an instant if even just one small detail goes wrong.  And then it won’t matter that we could be living like kings.  It may not be much what I’ve got right now but I’m not going to risk all of that just because of some dream.

Ederick

      Risk?  Dream?  Is that all you see this as?  Where is the risk in any of this?  Where are the security guards?  Where are the surveillance cameras?  Jimothy there is no risk in any of this.  All we have to do is pick up that rock, walk out of here, and send it in the mail and that’s it for us.  Then five to ten business days later, they have the diamond and we have the money in our hands, ready to be spent.  What do you think about that?

Jimothy

      Well if it is for sure as easy as you say that it is, then I guess that there really isn’t much use in arguing now is there?

Ederick

      Nope

Jimothy

      Alright then, let’s do this.

Ederick

      Tomathan, is everything okay?

                  [Tomathan in a trance]

Tomathan

      I thinkest that thou shouldst not take away that which is most precious to me.

Ederick

      Uhmn, Tomathan? What’s going on?

Tomathan

      Thou seekest to take what was kept beside my body since my death?  After my dying request was that it never again be separated from me?  Now in only a few moments you seek to undo what thousands have worked to preserve?

Jimothy

      King Fredward?

Ederick

      Jimothy, don’t be ridiculous, there is no way that this is King Fredward talking to us, he’s been dead for thousands of years.

Tomathan

      Why seemest this thing to be impossible to you? 

Ederick

      This is stupid, Tomathan snap out of it.  I’m serious, cut this out right now or I’ll be forced to hit you

Tomathan

      Wouldst thou strike a king?  Remove the rock if you dare, but be prepared.

Ederick

      That’s it!

                  [Ederick punches Tomathan and knocks him down]

Tomathan

      Ouch!

Jimothy

      You punched the king!

Ederick

      He’s not a king.

Jimothy

      You still punched him!

Tomathan

      What happened?

Ederick

      Nothing happened; let’s just get out of here.

Jimothy

      Okay, help me get the diamond!

Ederick

      Forget the diamond and let’s just get out of here!

                  [Ederick heads for the door]

Tomathan

      Hold on Ederick, what the heck is going on?  One minute you’re giving the most elaborate speeches to Jimothy of why he must go through with this and now you’re just going to back out on it all?

Ederick

      Things have changed since then.

Jimothy

      King Fredward won’t let us take it, he’ll get pissed.

Tomathan

      How is he going to get pissed?  He’s been dead for over three thousand years!

Jimothy

      He talked to us.

Tomathan

      When?

Jimothy

      A few minutes back, it was you that was saying the words, but it was King Fredward that was doing the talking.

Tomathan

      This is ridiculous!

Ederick

      No Tomathan, it’s all true, every word of it.

Tomathan

      Is this some sort of trick?  You don’t want me to be a part of your incredible wealth is that it?  Do you have any idea how much money six billion dollars is?

Ederick

      Tomathan the money has nothing to do with it.  If we take that diamond, King Fredward will somehow come back from the dead and kill us all.

Tomathan

      You are all insane!  I have already put too much on the line for this rock.  Do you realize what Samanthica will do to me if she finds out that I have abandoned her and don’t even have a decent reason for doing it?  She will kill me without even a second thought.

Ederick

      (whisper to Jimothy) If she ever had a second thought.

Tomathan
      What?

Ederick
      Agreed, without a second thought.

Tomathan

      I can’t believe that you both really believe that there is a curse on this diamond!  Curses are stupid superstitions that old Gypsies made up to keep the neighbor kids off their lawns.  They aren’t real!

Ederick

      Tomathan, I know that it was real.  I’ve never seen or heard anything like that before.  Tomathan you know that I’m not one to get scared easily.  But I’m telling you right now that there isn’t something right with that diamond.

Tomathan

      I don’t believe this.

Jimothy

      Tomathan I don’t think that you really have a choice at this point.  Ederick and I aren’t going to help you get that thing out of here, and there aint no way that you are going to be able to get that thing out of here alone.

Tomathan

      You two are really serious about this?

Ederick

      You think that we would just give up six billion dollars just as some small joke?

Tomathan

      I probably would if it were going to be funny enough.

Jimothy

      But how would Ederick or I….or anybody ever know? And how would we know if it were funny?

Tomathan

      That wouldn’t matter, cause I’d think it was funny, and that’s what really counts.

Ederick

      I suppose that would be quite some trick if you were able to do something like that and get away with it.

Tomathan

      That it would little brother....that it would.

                  [Exit Ederick, Jimothy, and Tomathan]

THE END