JaEmSaSnIdCaA - Jim, I wrote this about you!

Girls read too much into stuff. They could look at the back of a shampoo bottle and notice, "Hey, the first or last letter of every third, fourth or seventh word spells out my name with just that one exception, I wonder if Suave is stalking me. Can they see me?" On the other hand a guy could be watching a sitcom where there is a character with his same name, same phone number, same wardrobe, same apartment layout, and same friends and all he would think is, "Huh, maybe all the misdialed calls that come to me are actually trying to reach this guy!"

Another example, when a girl has a crush on a guy, she will often fantasize about their names. Sometimes they will mix their names together to see what messages or secret codes they can find. Another standard way a girl will do this is to use her own first name with the guy's last name to see how it sounds. The girl is trying to find crazy signs that they were meant to be together. It's a girl thing. Proof, you never see guys putting their first names with  the girl's last name.

Playing with phone numbers is another example. Girls take the phone number of their crush and add, subtract or multiply it with their own. This new number they come up with provides some definition to their life. They look for that number in locker combinations, fortune cookies, the time of day, etc. They are obsessed with finding some sort of extra connection. If a guy gets a girl's phone number, all he does with it is brag about it to his friends.

Now, to be fair, there are some guys who read too much into things and a few girls who don't. But those are the exceptions. Some guys use Suave scalp solutions and some girls like action movies and actually drive pretty well.

But some of you girls are probably reading this and thinking that I am directing this entire post at you. Unfortunately, Jim probably still hasn't caught on. He is still wondering why he gets a busy signal when dialing the phone number of his favorite TV star.

how do you use your phone book?

I can't remember the last time I used a phone book for what it was actually intended. With the recent debut of the Internet, the information contained in phone books suddenly became much more accessible, user friendly and comprehensive. Need proof? Stalkers and con artists don't use phone books.


This doesn't mean that phone books are completely useless though. They can be useful, just not really for finding phone numbers and stuff. Here are a few ways in which the phone book can prove to be kind of useful:


Kindling for a fire
Booster Seat/foot rest
Target for shooting
Door stop
Killing bugs
Pressing Flowers
Paper mache
Temporary “business advertisement tattoos”
Toilet paper backup 


These all seem to be pretty decent uses, but I don't think that any of them justify the actual creation of these books. So there must be something deeper that I'm not able to see on the surface. My best guess is that they are mass manufactured to prevent tree over-population. It's the governments way of helping move global warming along. Why else would they mass produce booster seats  to be delivered right at our doorstep?

I had a dream the other night...

I had a dream last night that involved many of my co-workers.

There was some sort of UFO crash landing site. Our secret base wasn't too far off so we just had our flying robotic drones carry the pieces of the wreckage into the base to be analyzed. When the drones would grab a hold of the crash debris, they would somehow have all of their power and energy sucked out of them. Finally there was one that had some sort of coating that kept it safe from being drained by the debris. It carried a few pieces back to our lab. I was somehow able to see that Tim and Clint were going to inspect the mysterious piece of metal. Tim walked up behind Clint and said, "Before we get started..." and he bashed Clint over the head, knocking him out. I was then somehow able to see Spencer and Amanda who were inspecting some object that was found on the ship. Tim randomly appeared and said, "Before we get started..." and he bashed them both over the head.

Next thing I knew, Chad and I were inspecting an unknown type of liquid that was found on the ship. We assumed that it was used for fuel but we couldn't be sure. As we were performing experiments and tests on the liquid, Tim walked in. He came right up to us and said, "Hey, before we get started..."

BAM! I didn't hesitate, I punched Tim in the face. His head kicked back momentarily, but the punch didn't seem to phase him. He looked surprised and said, "Seriously? I'm P90X!" He then bashed Chad over the head. I executed the unfailing drop kick and knocked Tim back into a table full of Chemistry equipment. I asked Tim, "How many people have you killed? How many dreams have you crushed? How many fair tales have you ruined?!?" He came at me again and stopped suddenly. He pointed behind me and said, "Look at that!" I wasn't fooled, I wasn't going to let my guard down. He then relaxed and said, "My lucky charm!" He walked over to a small computer chip that was hanging on a hook on the wall right next to me. He looked like a kid who had just found his favorite toy. I was perplexed, but not for long. I took the moment and bashed Tim over the head.

That was when I woke up

donettes?

The other day I was invited over to my friend Suzy Q's place for what was supposed to be a fun and enjoyable evening. The Ding Dong of the doorbell was met with cheers from inside and I was pulled straight into some sort of game. The best way to explain the game was that it felt like doing a Cup Cake walk while someone was trying to hit me with a Sno Ball. I guess I just didn't get it, but from the he hes ha has and Ho Hos coming from the other players, I figured it was a pretty fun game. I was kind of even enjoying it when I hit my elbow on a cabinet, it was a real Zinger I could feel through my whole body. Apparently Suzy thought it was cute because she kept looking at me and smiling with a TwinkIe in her eye. It was kind of creepy.

All I really got out of this that evening was a firm decision that I'm not going to any more of Suzy's parties, she's a terrible Hostess.

burning calories

This guy at work was bragging about how many calories he burned last week. He touted that he burned over 3200 calories in six days. He even had a website that tracked everything for him. He seemed to be pretty proud of himself and his achievement, so I decided to voice my admiration for what he had done. "Big deal, I could do that," I said.

He looked at me incredulously and explained that he ran 2 miles and biked for a half hour every other day. On the off days he swam 2500 meters. He walked practically everywhere he went, and he played sports on the weekends.

He challenged me to burning as many calories as he did in only one week. He didn't think I could do it.

But I did, I did it in 3 minutes. To my way of thinking, he did it the hard way. I just bought 6 Big Macs and lit them on fire.

Buffet Hangover

I don't drink. In the movies when people drink, they seem to have a good time. I have known people who would talk about how awful they feel after drinking. Bill Cosby addressed this in a routine called "Having a Good Time." Why would people drink, feel awful, want to die, throw up, pass out, and do it all over again? This always makes me question, "Then why do you do it?" Unfortunately, I think I found an answer.

Yesterday I found myself eating at Chuck-A-Rama, an all-you-can-eat buffet. It cost about $11 for all the meat, potatoes, veggies, fruit, salad, scones, soda and desserts that you could manage. I was determined to get my money's worth. I didn't pile my plates super high because I knew I could go back as many times as I wanted, so I did.

Plate 1: Salad, fruit, mac & cheese and a scone. With chicken noodle soup on the side. (Dr. Pepper)
-At this point I was still feeling pretty good and was excited to get some real food.

Plate 2: Turkey, roast beef, bbq chicken drumstick, mashed potatoes with gravy and a scone
-Really getting into the food after having the good stuff, slowing down but ready for more.

Plate 3: Some type of casserole, green beans, corn and a scone. (More Dr. Pepper)
-About the time I hit the middle of plate 3 I was feeling like I could stop eating and be satisfied. But there was still more food. And, at this point, I had paid almost $4 per plate. That isn't a bad price, but I knew I could get it down from there.

Plate 4: Three scones. (Apple Beer)
-After this, I had to stop. There was no more room. But I hadn't had dessert yet.

Plate 5: Brownie, peach cobbler, chocolate pudding and a strawberry/vanilla soft serve frozen yogurt twist. (Tiger's Blood slush drink)
-I wanted to cry. Each bite of frozen yogurt hurt as it filled the non-existent space in my stomach. The pudding had no room and just filled up my throat. I filled my mouth with the peach cobbler and just shoved the brownie in.

I sat there waiting for the food to digest. Instead it felt like the food was digesting my insides. It seemed to swell. I couldn't move. I eventually was able to hobble out to the car and magically made it home. I collapsed on the floor, stared at the ceiling and asked myself, "Why?"

I thought of each item I had eaten and the total cost. I figured it cost less than $.50 for each item, not even including the drinks. Initially I thought about how that was a pretty good price. But then I thought that I would pay $1 per item to go back in time and not eat it. I sloshed into my bed and quickly fell asleep.

I skipped breakfast this morning because I still couldn't think about food. Now it's about 11:15 and I'm getting hungry. I just found out that the local all-you-can-eat pizza buffet is having a 20% off deal for lunch today. I wonder how many slices of pizza I'll need to eat to get each one under $.25.....

There and back again

African beasts can deliver extremely fatal gashes. Hazardous incidents justifiably keep leery mothers near offspring ‐ predators quite regularly snatch toddlers unnoticed. Velociraptors worry xenophobic young zebras.

Zack Young's x-ray was very unsettling; thankfully, surgeons responded quickly. Physicians offered new medicines leaving knee joints immobilized. Hospitals genuinely feel extreme distress can be abated.

2012?

With the beginning of a new year coming up, a lot of people reflect on the year that is coming to a close. They think of all the things that they did, all the things other people did, and a lot of things that they could have done. They regret missing opportunities and not doing things that they promised themselves they would do at the beginning of the last year. They then make new promises to themselves saying that they won't fall into the same rut that they have been in their whole lives, and that they will finally do the things they say they will. They promise themselves that they will make it through the first two months and be strong, and such things. There always seems to be these kinds of people, every year.

I am not one of these people. I am satisfied with how 2011 turned out. I challenge 2012 to be as much fun and to have as much to offer as its predecessor. I say, ring in the new year will warning bells. Let's not give this new year too much credit until it has given us a reason to do so. I'm not jumping on the 2012 band wagon until 2012 shows what it can do for me. So far all it has given me is a pretty lame movie with coolish special effects. I think we need more than that.

The Avengers

For work at OrangeSoda we had a major Halloween party. We were encouraged to dress up. I dressed up as The Avengers....all of them.

Captain America's shirt and shield
Iron Man's helmet and chest light
Thor's hammer and hair
The Hulk's shorts and legs
Hawkeye's bow
Black Widow's sleeves and gloves
Nick Fury's eye patch

...as defined by society

"Book Smart" - Knowing things that nobody cares about and aren't useful

"Street Smart" - Gangster

"Good Parenting" - Keeping your kids from bothering other people

"Facebook" - One last attempt at some kind of social life

"Time" - Proof that someone is late

"Hero" - A fictional character

"Manners" - Actions that keep a date around, at least through dinner

"Blog Post" - Something I read to take up time, even if it makes me dumber

Hit List

There are various ways to rate the importance of an individual. Sometimes people vote to place an individual in a position of importance. There are poles for celebrities as to how well they are liked or how much they are disliked. But there is one level of importance that few people reach, but that I hope to at some point in my life. This is, the hit list.

Being important enough that someone wants you dead has got to be a great honor. Most people just go on living their lives, and nobody cares that they are going on living their lives. Is that truly a life?

Who are some of the greatest people you can think of in history? Gandhi? Abraham Lincoln? John Lennon? There is just a few without even getting Biblical. Others include JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., Caesar, Malcolm X and Franz Ferdinand. These people meant something to someone. They were going places.

It makes me think of what I have done in my own life. It honestly hasn't been that much. It makes me think that I need to start stepping it up.

Now I don't think that I'm going to make it on the top of anyone's list. Nor even on the list of anyone that would actually follow through with it. Just to know that someone was considering it would be enough.

So on my list of things to do, is something. I just hope I can make a difference. From you I simply ask that you ignore the main message of this post and don't kill me.

the writing on the wall

I respect handicapped people. Unfortunately, when I say that I respect handicapped people, it will automatically make you think that I don't and I'm trying to compensate by saying that I do, so I probably shouldn't have started out with that. There are simply several things in this world that I don't understand, and I try to receive more understanding by bearing my soul to the vast empty spaces of the Internet. The thing that has been troubling me lately, is braille.

I just don't get it. Now I am also not saying that I think braille is useless. I think it is super cool, but I will never understand how it is read. I guess my fingers just aren't that sensitive. I have a hard enough time knowing whether my index fingers are on the home keys on my keyboard, and they are the only ones with dots.

But I see braille everywhere! ....okay, I'll admit, that was a bit insensitive. I just don't get why braille is posted on pretty much everything. I realize that it definitely has to do with the ADA, but why? It seems to me like so much if it isn't actually helping.

A commonly known one is braille on the keys of drive up ATM machines. I don't understand. In order for these to be useful, steering wheels, gas pedals, and speedometers should also have braille. There should also be dots on the side mirrors that say, "Objects in mirror are closer than they would appear."

Another is elevators. Many elevator buttons will have braille listed for every button. By the time someone using the braille actually found the button he was looking for, he would have hit every button for every floor. There is nothing that tells which floor the elevator stopped on (in most cases). How would the person know when to get off?

One that I really don't understand is room plaques. You will see these for numbered rooms, men's and women's restrooms and emergency exits. For these to be useful, one who reads braille would need to walk down every hallway with their finger running against the wall at shoulder-to-eye level. Has anyone ever seen someone doing that? I never have. The person would also have to be walking against general walking traffic, because the walls on the left would be the only ones that were written forward. Were they to walk down the right side of the hall, the braille would be backward and may say something else entirely, maybe something offensive.

There are a good sum of blind people that have K9 friends that help them out, Seeing Eye Dogs. For this reason, I think it would be a good idea for braille plaques to be smothered with bacon. This would enable those with SEDs to get directly to the plaque without scraping their finger to the bone looking for the bathroom down an airport terminal.

I know that others will not share my views. This is simply my opinion. I apologize if I offended anybody, that was not my intent. Please do not come to my home and poke angry messages into my door.

think tank

I have recently delved right into a bit of a fish frenzy. I don't really like eating fish, but I love having them. I have purchased some fish tanks and set them up with wonderful fish inside. I have also had some fish tanks that I didn't want to keep so I have sold them. With this I have found some great ways to find fish tanks that are very nice, low cost, and have pretty much everything one needs to get started.

If anyone is interested in having a fish tank, I could totally help you out. I absolutely love doing it. Just let me know.

24

I just passed my 24th birthday and kept going with my self inflicted tradition of creating a list of things I wanted to do for my birthday. The number of items on the list corresponds directly with how many years of life I am celebrating on the given birthday. As one of the items on my list was to document each item on the list with a picture, I shall share them with you. We'll go in order the things were done during the day.

#1 See if the wii fit wishes me happy birthday - It totally did.

#2 - Eat red velvet pancakes  - Delicious

#3 - Go shooting - "you missed"  "did I? a perfect match"

#4 - Play wallyball - It's kind of obvious I'm the only one playing, but we got a game together.

#5 - Climb a tree - This is the captain's chair in the cherry tree at my parents place, oh the memories.

#6 - Buy a fish - I bought 3 as well as two snails, I went off the deep end.

#7 - Drive an electric shopping cart - I even wore a boot to make it look legit.

#8 - Play with dry ice - dry ice air hockey and making fog, life's pleasures

#9 - Eat a Reisen or a Mento without chewing it - I did it with both!

#10 - Watch a Psychisode - convenient that season 5 came out just days before my birthday.

#11 - Drink Dr Pepper - This could have been just about any day

#12 - Juggle 240 consecutive catches - easy

#13 - Play a game - pretty self explanatory

#14 - 24 hit ping-pong rally - Jeff and I pulled it off

#15 - Learn a new trick - the card trick I learned is almost too good, I wowed even myself.

#16 - Eat at the Pizza Factory - bread twist!

#17 - Get a tattoo...and put it on - I decided to go with something hard core.

#18 - Talk with 24 people - I talked with EXACTLY 24. no more, no less.

#19 - Receive a back massage - why didn't I think of this type of thing earlier?

#20 - Do absolutely nothing for 10 minutes -

#21 - Solve a puzzle - what else was I supposed to do with Chelsey sleeping?

#22 - Eat cake and ice cream - 2 in 1, ice cream cake

#23 - Don't say the name Jack Bauer - Even I was surprised how difficult this one was

#24 - Document each item on the list with a picture

I finished everything with well over an hour to spare, which blew last year's list away. It was a very eventful day. I got a lot of support from my wife and family, thanks again. I'm starting to get excited for next year. I've already got some items in mind for 25.

What do you get someone for their birthday?

I have the hardest time knowing what to get people for their birthdays. I have to analyze how good of friends we are, what kinds of interests they have, what messages I'd be sending by getting something for them. It is rough. But I have found a solution. And because I don't want the same thing to happen to all of you, I have decided to help you all out.

To help you out, I have registered for my 24th birthday at Target.

Now I have narrowed down the things that you have to think about getting for me come the beginning of June! As for the other things, if you read this blog, we're probably decent enough friends. My interests are the things I've registered for. And the only message you'll be sending will be how awesome you are. Do you see the trouble I've saved you? You're welcome....and thanks in advance.

I'd catch a granade?

So many songs these days don't make any sense. They are catchy and even fun to sing along with, but if you pay attention to the words, they don't make any sense at all. Each sentence is cleverly worded so it will cleverly rhyme with the next one, but there is no connecting thought throughout any part of the song. These songs are frustrating, but there are worse.
There are songs that make sense and don't make sense at the same time. That makes them stupid. There is one in particular that comes to mind. It is a new one by Bruno Mars called, "Grenade."

I have heard it on the radio, my youngest brother listens to it, and I have heard people singing or humming it all around. Basically, this song is about a guy who loves a girl, the girl doesn't love him, so he lists off all the stuff he'd do for her. Here is the chorus:

I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you won't do the same

What I don't get is, what would any of this do for her? If you want to impress someone, try singing something a little more like this:

I’d catch a rainbow for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Grow a handful of daisies for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump around in my Haynes with ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh
I would kiss you in the rain,
Take a ballet straight through my brain,
Oh, what I would buy for ya baby;
But you won't do the same

I can't say that this would save the song, but to me it would make a lot more sense. When I think of doing things for people it usually doesn't involve spraying gasoline on my clothes while walking on coals or pouring acid on my face. However, if Mr. Mars insists on catching a grenade for his girl, I would volunteer to throw it for the rest of humanity.

Eclipse, a movie and gum!

I recently purchased some Eclipse gum in bulk at Costco. On every single pack were plastered the faces of Edward, Bella and Jacob. It was pretty annoying at first that I had innocently purchased gum yet had inadvertently supported the Twilight franchise. But how brilliant is this marketing technique? You don't need to have your movie be popular enough that someone will make a candy or a toy named after your movie, all you need to do is title your movie with existing brands!

With this mindset, I have come up with a few movie ideas of my own. One is about a food critic in South Carolina who encounters a whole munch of problems, I'd call it "Charleston Chews." My next idea would be a movie that depicts how Bill Gates is feeling and how much money he has, I'd call it "Good and Plenty." Another would be about Marie Antoinette and how often she liked eating cake, I'd call it "Now and Later." And my personal favorite idea is a take off of Arrested Development where the magicians alliance creates an everlasting pact to keep Gob from ever performing again, I'd call it "Gobstoppers."

I think that it's a great plan and I expect to make millions. Some of that will come from the fantastic movie quality, but a good sum will come from the marketing. I feel that there are a ton of movies who came so close, but just missed the mark. If only they'd changed the names a little bit, they'd be able to make millions from marketing. Here are a few:

Sneakers - Snickers
Chocolat - Hershey's Chocolat
Recess - Reece's
Ho Ho Ho - Ho Hos
Up in the Air - 7-Up in the Air
Momento - Mentos
Charmed - Lucky Charms
Stardust - Starburst
Twister - Twizzlers
Brokeback Mountain - Jolly Ranchers

Your ideas are welcome, I'll even share royalties.

The Shampoozi Diamond

For an Intro to Theater class (easy art credit) that I took while at UVSC we had a few options for what we wanted to do for our final project. One of those options was to write a short play, more of a skit. Something reminded me of this recently so I decided to find it again. After starting to write it around 11:00 p.m. the night before it was due, this is what rolled off the press 3-4 hours later. It is a bit longer than a regular post but if you have a few minutes, I think it's worth a quick read through.

Damon McNeil

TASP 1120

Prof. Clark

28 April 2005

The Shampoozi Diamond

CHARACTERS

(In order of appearance)

Ederick

Jimothy

Tomathan

1.1                        SCENE:  Museum

                        [Enter Ederick and Jimothy]

Ederick

      Make sure that you do exactly what I tell you Jimothy, I don’t want anything to go wrong this time.

Jimothy

      Ederick, are you sure that this is a good idea? 

Ederick

      Yes.

Jimothy

      But don’t you realize what will happen to us if we get caught?

Ederick

      Yes.

Jimothy

      Well then how are you still able to go through with all of this?

Ederick

      Because if we do everything exactly as planned then nothing can go wrong, which means that you are going to have to do what Jimothy?

Jimothy

      I know, I know, I do everything exactly as you tell me to do it.  I don’t touch anything without you telling me to touch it.  I don’t talk to anybody unless you tell me to talk to them.

Ederick

      Good, it sounds like you’re catching on pretty quick.

Jimothy

      I’d be able to do this a lot better if you would just tell me the plans now.  That way I could know what to do and not have to do everything last minute. 

Ederick

      If I told you what all the plans were, then you would start thinking of how to do it your way.  And when you start trying to do things your way, that’s when things go wrong.  That’s when we’d get caught.

Jimothy

      Get caught doing what?

Ederick            (Slipping into a small closet)

      Jimothy! Get in here quick before anybody sees us!

Jimothy            (Casually walking into the closet)

      Ederick I’m not going to take one more step until you tell me everything.

Ederick

      Well that won’t be too bad, seeing how we’re going to stay in here until the museum is closed.

Jimothy

      Tell me now Ederick or I’m not going to be a part of it.  All you’ve told me so far is that we are going to be rich, but that’s not good enough now, I need to know how, and I need to know now.

Ederick

      Alright, I’ll tell you.  But you have to promise that we’ll do it my way and that you’ll do exactly what I tell you to do.

Jimothy

      Alright

Ederick

      On display in this museum are many thousands of artifacts that were found in and around King Fredward’s tomb.  One of these artifacts is the Shampoozi diamond that was found lying next to King Fredward himself.  Not only is it the biggest diamond ever found, but it is also the most clear and pure.  This diamond is worth more money than you could ever imagine.  Tonight we are going to steal it and sell it to a contact of mine in Turkey.

Jimothy

      How do you know somebody in Turkey?

Ederick

      He was a good friend of mine until the United States got a restraining order against him….or something like that.

Jimothy

      A restraining order?

Ederick

      Look, all he told me was that he had a buyer, and if I got him the diamond for him he would give me six billion dollars.

Jimothy

      SIX BILLION DOLLARS?!?

Ederick

      Yes six billion dollars, now will you shut up!  You’re going to blow this thing before we ever even start.

Jimothy

      Ederick this plan sounds wonderful, but how are we going to get this to Turkey without anybody finding out about it?

Ederick

      That’s easy, FedEx.  We’ll just mail it up there.

Jimothy

      It still sounds sketchy to me, but I’ll do it.  I’ll trust you on this one, so what do we do from here?

Ederick

      For now we just wait until midnight, when we can be sure that there is nobody left inside the building.

1.2                        SCENE:  Museum  (midnight)

            Ederick and Jimothy in closet

Ederick

      Jimothy…Jimothy wake up, it’s time.

Jimothy

      Time for what?

Ederick

      Quit acting stupid and get up!  If we’re going to get this diamond then we are going to need to have all of our sense.  Come on we need to do this quick.

Jimothy

      Alright, I’m ready.

                  [Ederick and Jimothy exit closet]

Ederick            (Looks around and spots the diamond)

      Ahhh…there she is.

Jimothy

      Who!?

Ederick

      Not who you idiot, her.  The Shampoozi Diamond.

Jimothy

      Oh, her.

                  [Ederick and Jimothy approach the diamond]

Jimothy

      This can’t be right, where is the bullet proof glass case?  Where are the surveillance cameras?  Where are the heat sensors and the motion detectors?  Ederick I have a really bad feeling about all of this, it’s probably some sort of trap.

Ederick

      Jimothy who would set this up as a trap for us?  Nobody knows anything about us.  This isn’t a trap, it’s just the most perfect set up in the world.  Now quit slapping fate in the face and let’s do this.

Jimothy

      So you’re saying that we just…pick up the diamond and walk out of here?

Ederick

      Yes

Jimothy

      And there won’t be any problems?

Ederick

      None

                  [Enter Security Guard]

Security Guard            (pulling out his gun, shining a flashlight in their faces)

      Freeze you two!

Jimothy                  (raising his hands)

      (whisper) No problems huh?

Ederick                  (raising his hands)

      (whisper) Shut up!

Security Guard

      What are you two doing in here?

Ederick

      Who us?

Security Guard

      No dummy, the other two guys trying to steal that diamond.

                  [Jimothy looks around quickly]

Ederick

      What diamond?

Security Guard

      Don’t play stupid with me.  And keep your hands where I can see ‘em!

Ederick

      So what are you going to do with us?

Security Guard

      I’ll cut you a deal and give you 50%.

Ederick

      What?

Security Guard

      You guys think that I could carry a diamond the size of a soccer ball out of here all by myself?  If you guys help me then after I sell it I’ll give you 50%.

Jimothy

      And what makes you think that we are going to help you?

Security Guard

      Because if you don’t then I call for backup.  And when that happens, the two of you go to prison for a very long time.

Jimothy

      Well neither of us would want you to do that now would we?

Security Guard

      What, and send my only two living brothers to jail?  I don’t think so.

Ederick

      Tomathan?

Tomathan

      You guys didn’t think that I was going to let you two have all the fun now did you?

Ederick

      Where is Samanthica?  I thought that you two were on your way to Paris for your honeymoon.

Tomathan

      Well…that’s only half true.

Jimothy

      Which half?

Tomathan

      She is on her way to Paris. I told her our seats were split up, so I don’t think she’ll realize that I’m gone until the plane lands.

Ederick

      What is she going to do once she figures everything out?

Tomathan

      She’ll probably have a conniption.  But by the time she catches up with me, I’ll have all this money to make things right again.

Jimothy

      I wish I understood women the way you do Tomathan.

Tomathan

      It’s really not that hard.

Ederick

      Thanks for the pep talk Tomathan, but do we really need this now?  If a real security guard sees us here he’s going to know something is up.  We look kind of suspicious with these masks, especially you with that gun.

Tomathan

      Right, they’ll arrest me for holding a gun but not for standing in a museum after hours around the diamond exhibit. 

Jimothy

      What’s that gun for anyway?  We’re not going to hold up the diamond, and we’re definitely not going to shoot it.

Tomathan

      Oh come on Jimothy, you know me better than that.  Do you really think that I would carry a real gun?

Jimothy

      It looks real.

Ederick

      So are we going to do this or what?

Tomathan

      Yeah, but if I’m in this thing then I’m in it all they way.  I need to know what all the plans are with this diamond and everything.

Ederick

      Do you remember my old friend Jackarias?

Tomathan

      The one that was banned from the U.S.?

Ederick

      Yeah, that’s the one.  Anyway, Jackarias is living in Turkey now and he is the one who told me about the diamond.  He’s got a buyer who wants this diamond more than anything.  Jackarias told me that if I got him the diamond safely then he would pay me six billion dollars.  Now I can’t prove it but I think that that is a lot of money.  Plus, we have three people working on it so that makes it eighteen billion dollars!  We’ll be rich beyond our wildest dreams!

Tomathan

      Yes we will be rich Ederick, but I think that you have your math all mixed up.  It is not a multiplication problem, it is a division problem.  It would be the original six billion dollars divided by three people.

Ederick

      Tomathan don’t take me for a fool.  I know that six billion multiplied by three is eighteen billion, so don’t try to trick me.

Tomathan

      No Ederick, I’m not trying to trick you, I’m just saying that he is only going to pay six billion dollars for this job to be done.  Whether you do it alone or you do it with fifteen other people, he is still only going to pay a total of six billion dollars.  So if you divide that six billion between the three of us, we will each have roughly two billion dollars for our own use.

Ederick

      I still say it sounds better the way that I said it.

Tomathan

      Yes it does, but that’s just not the way this all is going to work out, sorry.  But let’s not worry about that anymore, let’s just get this thing and get out of here.

Ederick

      Alright.

Jimothy

      I’m still not sure that this is a good idea.

Ederick

      Jimothy, I didn’t bring you here to think, I brought you here to help me carry this thing out of here.

Jimothy

      Ederick, if anything at all goes wrong we could end up in jail for the rest of our lives.  And is it worth it?  After all, it’s only money.

Ederick

      Only money?  Jimothy this is the most money that anybody that I’ve ever known has ever had. 

Jimothy

      But that will all be gone in an instant if even just one small detail goes wrong.  And then it won’t matter that we could be living like kings.  It may not be much what I’ve got right now but I’m not going to risk all of that just because of some dream.

Ederick

      Risk?  Dream?  Is that all you see this as?  Where is the risk in any of this?  Where are the security guards?  Where are the surveillance cameras?  Jimothy there is no risk in any of this.  All we have to do is pick up that rock, walk out of here, and send it in the mail and that’s it for us.  Then five to ten business days later, they have the diamond and we have the money in our hands, ready to be spent.  What do you think about that?

Jimothy

      Well if it is for sure as easy as you say that it is, then I guess that there really isn’t much use in arguing now is there?

Ederick

      Nope

Jimothy

      Alright then, let’s do this.

Ederick

      Tomathan, is everything okay?

                  [Tomathan in a trance]

Tomathan

      I thinkest that thou shouldst not take away that which is most precious to me.

Ederick

      Uhmn, Tomathan? What’s going on?

Tomathan

      Thou seekest to take what was kept beside my body since my death?  After my dying request was that it never again be separated from me?  Now in only a few moments you seek to undo what thousands have worked to preserve?

Jimothy

      King Fredward?

Ederick

      Jimothy, don’t be ridiculous, there is no way that this is King Fredward talking to us, he’s been dead for thousands of years.

Tomathan

      Why seemest this thing to be impossible to you? 

Ederick

      This is stupid, Tomathan snap out of it.  I’m serious, cut this out right now or I’ll be forced to hit you

Tomathan

      Wouldst thou strike a king?  Remove the rock if you dare, but be prepared.

Ederick

      That’s it!

                  [Ederick punches Tomathan and knocks him down]

Tomathan

      Ouch!

Jimothy

      You punched the king!

Ederick

      He’s not a king.

Jimothy

      You still punched him!

Tomathan

      What happened?

Ederick

      Nothing happened; let’s just get out of here.

Jimothy

      Okay, help me get the diamond!

Ederick

      Forget the diamond and let’s just get out of here!

                  [Ederick heads for the door]

Tomathan

      Hold on Ederick, what the heck is going on?  One minute you’re giving the most elaborate speeches to Jimothy of why he must go through with this and now you’re just going to back out on it all?

Ederick

      Things have changed since then.

Jimothy

      King Fredward won’t let us take it, he’ll get pissed.

Tomathan

      How is he going to get pissed?  He’s been dead for over three thousand years!

Jimothy

      He talked to us.

Tomathan

      When?

Jimothy

      A few minutes back, it was you that was saying the words, but it was King Fredward that was doing the talking.

Tomathan

      This is ridiculous!

Ederick

      No Tomathan, it’s all true, every word of it.

Tomathan

      Is this some sort of trick?  You don’t want me to be a part of your incredible wealth is that it?  Do you have any idea how much money six billion dollars is?

Ederick

      Tomathan the money has nothing to do with it.  If we take that diamond, King Fredward will somehow come back from the dead and kill us all.

Tomathan

      You are all insane!  I have already put too much on the line for this rock.  Do you realize what Samanthica will do to me if she finds out that I have abandoned her and don’t even have a decent reason for doing it?  She will kill me without even a second thought.

Ederick

      (whisper to Jimothy) If she ever had a second thought.

Tomathan
      What?

Ederick
      Agreed, without a second thought.

Tomathan

      I can’t believe that you both really believe that there is a curse on this diamond!  Curses are stupid superstitions that old Gypsies made up to keep the neighbor kids off their lawns.  They aren’t real!

Ederick

      Tomathan, I know that it was real.  I’ve never seen or heard anything like that before.  Tomathan you know that I’m not one to get scared easily.  But I’m telling you right now that there isn’t something right with that diamond.

Tomathan

      I don’t believe this.

Jimothy

      Tomathan I don’t think that you really have a choice at this point.  Ederick and I aren’t going to help you get that thing out of here, and there aint no way that you are going to be able to get that thing out of here alone.

Tomathan

      You two are really serious about this?

Ederick

      You think that we would just give up six billion dollars just as some small joke?

Tomathan

      I probably would if it were going to be funny enough.

Jimothy

      But how would Ederick or I….or anybody ever know? And how would we know if it were funny?

Tomathan

      That wouldn’t matter, cause I’d think it was funny, and that’s what really counts.

Ederick

      I suppose that would be quite some trick if you were able to do something like that and get away with it.

Tomathan

      That it would little brother....that it would.

                  [Exit Ederick, Jimothy, and Tomathan]

THE END