The Land Before Smartphones

I kind of miss the days back before I had the universe at my fingertips. Life was simpler then. It was a different life. I kind of remember what it was like, but not very well.

One thing that went out the window is trying to navigate with an actual map. Actually, quite literally in many cases, the map went out the window. We don't have to think about how we will get anywhere or even how long it will take to get there. Instead, we are given all of this information by an annoying, yet somehow still soothing, voice.

One thing I miss is being able to say "I wonder..." instead of "Hang on, let me see..." We used to imagine what the world was like. We used to joke and wonder how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Whereas now we can find that some nut job did pretty thorough scientific research and approximates that it takes 508 licks.

People also used to write notes to themselves on their hands. You could fit reminders for random things and an abbreviated grocery list in a single sweaty palm. Now-a-days I rarely see hands covered in those self drawn ink tattoos.

Now, I don't want it to come across that I wish smartphones had never been invented so we could go back to the way things were. I love the technological advances that have been made in recent years. This whole post was written on a smartphone and is quite possibly being read on one. It was just nice to reminisce of a time when I thought my phone didn't know as much as me.

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Plan for Time Travel Before It's Too Late!

We all know that time travel has not yet been achieved. We know this because if it had been achieved someone would have brought back a copy The Dark Knight Rises and plastered it all over the Internet. We would also be eating grapefruit year-round instead of just in the winter.

Most of us don't really think to often about what we will do when time travel is accomplished. I think this is a mistake. When the first time traveler succeeds to warp around the standard tick of a clock, it's going to happen fast. It might actually happen slow, depending on how it all actually works, but I think for us it will seem like it's happening fast. We need to be prepared. If we don't plan for time travel until it is an actuality, we may never have time to do it. So what are we going to do with the new discovery?

If I am part of this elite group who finally succeeds, the first thing I'll do is sell it. Imagine Amazon.com having a 'same second delivery' option. You browse for whatever you want. Proceed to checkout. Make the purchase. Your doorbell rings. Amazon processed your order 5 days ago and didn't even need to overnight ship it to get it to you on time.

I would market it to grocery stores so that none of their produce ever went bad. They could see what items didn't get purchased during the week, then bring them through the time continuum and they'd still be fresh! You could have freshly picked berries that have sat in the store for weeks!

Depending on how the time travel stuff actually works, I would also set up a booth where people could come and get a quick glimpse into their future. Anyone could do it, but it would be marketed toward people preparing for job interviews so that they could more accurately answer the question, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Let's just be prepared. I'll leave the actual inventing of some sort of time machine to other people, I'll just have a plan for the thing once it's built. Otherwise it'll end up crushed by a dinosaur or carried off by Morlocks. We don't need anything that drastic. So if any of your future selves has any other great ideas for using time travel in clever and inventive ways, come back to this time and voice your idea in a comment. If my future self is ever able to come back to what is now the present, I'll be sure to leave a message hidden in this post.

Shake'n It Up

My company participated in a state-wide earthquake drill this week. It was pretty crazy. They said that we should do exactly what we would do in the event of an earthquake. They said they would announce over the intercom when the earthquake started. We would then take action. We were told to get under our desks and watch for things that could fall and hit us.

It was hard not to anticipate the earthquake. I tried my best to make sure that everything was just as it would be if I had no idea anything was happening. I had my phone on my desk, snacks & a water bottle right next to me, and I was listening to music. You might think that this is just basic stuff, but it turns out it is the perfect earthquake preparation.

The second I heard the intercom system I grabbed my snacks and phone and dove under my desk. I pulled my chair up next to my desk to help block things that could potentially fall and injure me. I rested my head on the knocked-over garbage bin that I usually rest my feet on. I had queued up about 1.6 hours of music on Grooveshark and still hand my headphones in. The snacks were nice to keep up my strength and provide me with some comfort. I had a fully charged phone with Temple Run loaded and ready to go.

I was prepared for anything, except what actually happened. The intercom chimed again. After 60 seconds, the drill was over. My heart sank a little bit. I was so ready to outlast the elements. But it definitely has made me more prepared. I make sure that I keep my snacks under my computer now and that I always have a good hour of music in queue with the repeat feature selected.

So as long as the earthquake doesn't knock out the power so I can't listen to music and as long as it doesn't shake the ground so much that it messes up my Temple Run, and as long as it doesn't open a big gaping hole beneath me or cause my desk to fall and crush my body, I say, "Bring it on"

What is a blog post worth?

When I was in college I took a Creative Writing class. We had various assignments to test our abilities and teach us new ways to write. The description for one of our assignments was: "Write a 1,000 word description of this class. You can describe the professor, students, classroom, etc."

This is what I turned in:

JaEmSaSnIdCaA - Jim, I wrote this about you!

Girls read too much into stuff. They could look at the back of a shampoo bottle and notice, "Hey, the first or last letter of every third, fourth or seventh word spells out my name with just that one exception, I wonder if Suave is stalking me. Can they see me?" On the other hand a guy could be watching a sitcom where there is a character with his same name, same phone number, same wardrobe, same apartment layout, and same friends and all he would think is, "Huh, maybe all the misdialed calls that come to me are actually trying to reach this guy!"

Another example, when a girl has a crush on a guy, she will often fantasize about their names. Sometimes they will mix their names together to see what messages or secret codes they can find. Another standard way a girl will do this is to use her own first name with the guy's last name to see how it sounds. The girl is trying to find crazy signs that they were meant to be together. It's a girl thing. Proof, you never see guys putting their first names with  the girl's last name.

Playing with phone numbers is another example. Girls take the phone number of their crush and add, subtract or multiply it with their own. This new number they come up with provides some definition to their life. They look for that number in locker combinations, fortune cookies, the time of day, etc. They are obsessed with finding some sort of extra connection. If a guy gets a girl's phone number, all he does with it is brag about it to his friends.

Now, to be fair, there are some guys who read too much into things and a few girls who don't. But those are the exceptions. Some guys use Suave scalp solutions and some girls like action movies and actually drive pretty well.

But some of you girls are probably reading this and thinking that I am directing this entire post at you. Unfortunately, Jim probably still hasn't caught on. He is still wondering why he gets a busy signal when dialing the phone number of his favorite TV star.

how do you use your phone book?

I can't remember the last time I used a phone book for what it was actually intended. With the recent debut of the Internet, the information contained in phone books suddenly became much more accessible, user friendly and comprehensive. Need proof? Stalkers and con artists don't use phone books.


This doesn't mean that phone books are completely useless though. They can be useful, just not really for finding phone numbers and stuff. Here are a few ways in which the phone book can prove to be kind of useful:


Kindling for a fire
Booster Seat/foot rest
Target for shooting
Door stop
Killing bugs
Pressing Flowers
Paper mache
Temporary “business advertisement tattoos”
Toilet paper backup 


These all seem to be pretty decent uses, but I don't think that any of them justify the actual creation of these books. So there must be something deeper that I'm not able to see on the surface. My best guess is that they are mass manufactured to prevent tree over-population. It's the governments way of helping move global warming along. Why else would they mass produce booster seats  to be delivered right at our doorstep?

I had a dream the other night...

I had a dream last night that involved many of my co-workers.

There was some sort of UFO crash landing site. Our secret base wasn't too far off so we just had our flying robotic drones carry the pieces of the wreckage into the base to be analyzed. When the drones would grab a hold of the crash debris, they would somehow have all of their power and energy sucked out of them. Finally there was one that had some sort of coating that kept it safe from being drained by the debris. It carried a few pieces back to our lab. I was somehow able to see that Tim and Clint were going to inspect the mysterious piece of metal. Tim walked up behind Clint and said, "Before we get started..." and he bashed Clint over the head, knocking him out. I was then somehow able to see Spencer and Amanda who were inspecting some object that was found on the ship. Tim randomly appeared and said, "Before we get started..." and he bashed them both over the head.

Next thing I knew, Chad and I were inspecting an unknown type of liquid that was found on the ship. We assumed that it was used for fuel but we couldn't be sure. As we were performing experiments and tests on the liquid, Tim walked in. He came right up to us and said, "Hey, before we get started..."

BAM! I didn't hesitate, I punched Tim in the face. His head kicked back momentarily, but the punch didn't seem to phase him. He looked surprised and said, "Seriously? I'm P90X!" He then bashed Chad over the head. I executed the unfailing drop kick and knocked Tim back into a table full of Chemistry equipment. I asked Tim, "How many people have you killed? How many dreams have you crushed? How many fair tales have you ruined?!?" He came at me again and stopped suddenly. He pointed behind me and said, "Look at that!" I wasn't fooled, I wasn't going to let my guard down. He then relaxed and said, "My lucky charm!" He walked over to a small computer chip that was hanging on a hook on the wall right next to me. He looked like a kid who had just found his favorite toy. I was perplexed, but not for long. I took the moment and bashed Tim over the head.

That was when I woke up

donettes?

The other day I was invited over to my friend Suzy Q's place for what was supposed to be a fun and enjoyable evening. The Ding Dong of the doorbell was met with cheers from inside and I was pulled straight into some sort of game. The best way to explain the game was that it felt like doing a Cup Cake walk while someone was trying to hit me with a Sno Ball. I guess I just didn't get it, but from the he hes ha has and Ho Hos coming from the other players, I figured it was a pretty fun game. I was kind of even enjoying it when I hit my elbow on a cabinet, it was a real Zinger I could feel through my whole body. Apparently Suzy thought it was cute because she kept looking at me and smiling with a TwinkIe in her eye. It was kind of creepy.

All I really got out of this that evening was a firm decision that I'm not going to any more of Suzy's parties, she's a terrible Hostess.

burning calories

This guy at work was bragging about how many calories he burned last week. He touted that he burned over 3200 calories in six days. He even had a website that tracked everything for him. He seemed to be pretty proud of himself and his achievement, so I decided to voice my admiration for what he had done. "Big deal, I could do that," I said.

He looked at me incredulously and explained that he ran 2 miles and biked for a half hour every other day. On the off days he swam 2500 meters. He walked practically everywhere he went, and he played sports on the weekends.

He challenged me to burning as many calories as he did in only one week. He didn't think I could do it.

But I did, I did it in 3 minutes. To my way of thinking, he did it the hard way. I just bought 6 Big Macs and lit them on fire.

Buffet Hangover

I don't drink. In the movies when people drink, they seem to have a good time. I have known people who would talk about how awful they feel after drinking. Bill Cosby addressed this in a routine called "Having a Good Time." Why would people drink, feel awful, want to die, throw up, pass out, and do it all over again? This always makes me question, "Then why do you do it?" Unfortunately, I think I found an answer.

Yesterday I found myself eating at Chuck-A-Rama, an all-you-can-eat buffet. It cost about $11 for all the meat, potatoes, veggies, fruit, salad, scones, soda and desserts that you could manage. I was determined to get my money's worth. I didn't pile my plates super high because I knew I could go back as many times as I wanted, so I did.

Plate 1: Salad, fruit, mac & cheese and a scone. With chicken noodle soup on the side. (Dr. Pepper)
-At this point I was still feeling pretty good and was excited to get some real food.

Plate 2: Turkey, roast beef, bbq chicken drumstick, mashed potatoes with gravy and a scone
-Really getting into the food after having the good stuff, slowing down but ready for more.

Plate 3: Some type of casserole, green beans, corn and a scone. (More Dr. Pepper)
-About the time I hit the middle of plate 3 I was feeling like I could stop eating and be satisfied. But there was still more food. And, at this point, I had paid almost $4 per plate. That isn't a bad price, but I knew I could get it down from there.

Plate 4: Three scones. (Apple Beer)
-After this, I had to stop. There was no more room. But I hadn't had dessert yet.

Plate 5: Brownie, peach cobbler, chocolate pudding and a strawberry/vanilla soft serve frozen yogurt twist. (Tiger's Blood slush drink)
-I wanted to cry. Each bite of frozen yogurt hurt as it filled the non-existent space in my stomach. The pudding had no room and just filled up my throat. I filled my mouth with the peach cobbler and just shoved the brownie in.

I sat there waiting for the food to digest. Instead it felt like the food was digesting my insides. It seemed to swell. I couldn't move. I eventually was able to hobble out to the car and magically made it home. I collapsed on the floor, stared at the ceiling and asked myself, "Why?"

I thought of each item I had eaten and the total cost. I figured it cost less than $.50 for each item, not even including the drinks. Initially I thought about how that was a pretty good price. But then I thought that I would pay $1 per item to go back in time and not eat it. I sloshed into my bed and quickly fell asleep.

I skipped breakfast this morning because I still couldn't think about food. Now it's about 11:15 and I'm getting hungry. I just found out that the local all-you-can-eat pizza buffet is having a 20% off deal for lunch today. I wonder how many slices of pizza I'll need to eat to get each one under $.25.....

There and back again

African beasts can deliver extremely fatal gashes. Hazardous incidents justifiably keep leery mothers near offspring ‐ predators quite regularly snatch toddlers unnoticed. Velociraptors worry xenophobic young zebras.

Zack Young's x-ray was very unsettling; thankfully, surgeons responded quickly. Physicians offered new medicines leaving knee joints immobilized. Hospitals genuinely feel extreme distress can be abated.

2012?

With the beginning of a new year coming up, a lot of people reflect on the year that is coming to a close. They think of all the things that they did, all the things other people did, and a lot of things that they could have done. They regret missing opportunities and not doing things that they promised themselves they would do at the beginning of the last year. They then make new promises to themselves saying that they won't fall into the same rut that they have been in their whole lives, and that they will finally do the things they say they will. They promise themselves that they will make it through the first two months and be strong, and such things. There always seems to be these kinds of people, every year.

I am not one of these people. I am satisfied with how 2011 turned out. I challenge 2012 to be as much fun and to have as much to offer as its predecessor. I say, ring in the new year will warning bells. Let's not give this new year too much credit until it has given us a reason to do so. I'm not jumping on the 2012 band wagon until 2012 shows what it can do for me. So far all it has given me is a pretty lame movie with coolish special effects. I think we need more than that.

The Avengers

For work at OrangeSoda we had a major Halloween party. We were encouraged to dress up. I dressed up as The Avengers....all of them.

Captain America's shirt and shield
Iron Man's helmet and chest light
Thor's hammer and hair
The Hulk's shorts and legs
Hawkeye's bow
Black Widow's sleeves and gloves
Nick Fury's eye patch

...as defined by society

"Book Smart" - Knowing things that nobody cares about and aren't useful

"Street Smart" - Gangster

"Good Parenting" - Keeping your kids from bothering other people

"Facebook" - One last attempt at some kind of social life

"Time" - Proof that someone is late

"Hero" - A fictional character

"Manners" - Actions that keep a date around, at least through dinner

"Blog Post" - Something I read to take up time, even if it makes me dumber

Hit List

There are various ways to rate the importance of an individual. Sometimes people vote to place an individual in a position of importance. There are poles for celebrities as to how well they are liked or how much they are disliked. But there is one level of importance that few people reach, but that I hope to at some point in my life. This is, the hit list.

Being important enough that someone wants you dead has got to be a great honor. Most people just go on living their lives, and nobody cares that they are going on living their lives. Is that truly a life?

Who are some of the greatest people you can think of in history? Gandhi? Abraham Lincoln? John Lennon? There is just a few without even getting Biblical. Others include JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., Caesar, Malcolm X and Franz Ferdinand. These people meant something to someone. They were going places.

It makes me think of what I have done in my own life. It honestly hasn't been that much. It makes me think that I need to start stepping it up.

Now I don't think that I'm going to make it on the top of anyone's list. Nor even on the list of anyone that would actually follow through with it. Just to know that someone was considering it would be enough.

So on my list of things to do, is something. I just hope I can make a difference. From you I simply ask that you ignore the main message of this post and don't kill me.

the writing on the wall

I respect handicapped people. Unfortunately, when I say that I respect handicapped people, it will automatically make you think that I don't and I'm trying to compensate by saying that I do, so I probably shouldn't have started out with that. There are simply several things in this world that I don't understand, and I try to receive more understanding by bearing my soul to the vast empty spaces of the Internet. The thing that has been troubling me lately, is braille.

I just don't get it. Now I am also not saying that I think braille is useless. I think it is super cool, but I will never understand how it is read. I guess my fingers just aren't that sensitive. I have a hard enough time knowing whether my index fingers are on the home keys on my keyboard, and they are the only ones with dots.

But I see braille everywhere! ....okay, I'll admit, that was a bit insensitive. I just don't get why braille is posted on pretty much everything. I realize that it definitely has to do with the ADA, but why? It seems to me like so much if it isn't actually helping.

A commonly known one is braille on the keys of drive up ATM machines. I don't understand. In order for these to be useful, steering wheels, gas pedals, and speedometers should also have braille. There should also be dots on the side mirrors that say, "Objects in mirror are closer than they would appear."

Another is elevators. Many elevator buttons will have braille listed for every button. By the time someone using the braille actually found the button he was looking for, he would have hit every button for every floor. There is nothing that tells which floor the elevator stopped on (in most cases). How would the person know when to get off?

One that I really don't understand is room plaques. You will see these for numbered rooms, men's and women's restrooms and emergency exits. For these to be useful, one who reads braille would need to walk down every hallway with their finger running against the wall at shoulder-to-eye level. Has anyone ever seen someone doing that? I never have. The person would also have to be walking against general walking traffic, because the walls on the left would be the only ones that were written forward. Were they to walk down the right side of the hall, the braille would be backward and may say something else entirely, maybe something offensive.

There are a good sum of blind people that have K9 friends that help them out, Seeing Eye Dogs. For this reason, I think it would be a good idea for braille plaques to be smothered with bacon. This would enable those with SEDs to get directly to the plaque without scraping their finger to the bone looking for the bathroom down an airport terminal.

I know that others will not share my views. This is simply my opinion. I apologize if I offended anybody, that was not my intent. Please do not come to my home and poke angry messages into my door.

think tank

I have recently delved right into a bit of a fish frenzy. I don't really like eating fish, but I love having them. I have purchased some fish tanks and set them up with wonderful fish inside. I have also had some fish tanks that I didn't want to keep so I have sold them. With this I have found some great ways to find fish tanks that are very nice, low cost, and have pretty much everything one needs to get started.

If anyone is interested in having a fish tank, I could totally help you out. I absolutely love doing it. Just let me know.

24

I just passed my 24th birthday and kept going with my self inflicted tradition of creating a list of things I wanted to do for my birthday. The number of items on the list corresponds directly with how many years of life I am celebrating on the given birthday. As one of the items on my list was to document each item on the list with a picture, I shall share them with you. We'll go in order the things were done during the day.

#1 See if the wii fit wishes me happy birthday - It totally did.

#2 - Eat red velvet pancakes  - Delicious

#3 - Go shooting - "you missed"  "did I? a perfect match"

#4 - Play wallyball - It's kind of obvious I'm the only one playing, but we got a game together.

#5 - Climb a tree - This is the captain's chair in the cherry tree at my parents place, oh the memories.

#6 - Buy a fish - I bought 3 as well as two snails, I went off the deep end.

#7 - Drive an electric shopping cart - I even wore a boot to make it look legit.

#8 - Play with dry ice - dry ice air hockey and making fog, life's pleasures

#9 - Eat a Reisen or a Mento without chewing it - I did it with both!

#10 - Watch a Psychisode - convenient that season 5 came out just days before my birthday.

#11 - Drink Dr Pepper - This could have been just about any day

#12 - Juggle 240 consecutive catches - easy

#13 - Play a game - pretty self explanatory

#14 - 24 hit ping-pong rally - Jeff and I pulled it off

#15 - Learn a new trick - the card trick I learned is almost too good, I wowed even myself.

#16 - Eat at the Pizza Factory - bread twist!

#17 - Get a tattoo...and put it on - I decided to go with something hard core.

#18 - Talk with 24 people - I talked with EXACTLY 24. no more, no less.

#19 - Receive a back massage - why didn't I think of this type of thing earlier?

#20 - Do absolutely nothing for 10 minutes -

#21 - Solve a puzzle - what else was I supposed to do with Chelsey sleeping?

#22 - Eat cake and ice cream - 2 in 1, ice cream cake

#23 - Don't say the name Jack Bauer - Even I was surprised how difficult this one was

#24 - Document each item on the list with a picture

I finished everything with well over an hour to spare, which blew last year's list away. It was a very eventful day. I got a lot of support from my wife and family, thanks again. I'm starting to get excited for next year. I've already got some items in mind for 25.

What do you get someone for their birthday?

I have the hardest time knowing what to get people for their birthdays. I have to analyze how good of friends we are, what kinds of interests they have, what messages I'd be sending by getting something for them. It is rough. But I have found a solution. And because I don't want the same thing to happen to all of you, I have decided to help you all out.

To help you out, I have registered for my 24th birthday at Target.

Now I have narrowed down the things that you have to think about getting for me come the beginning of June! As for the other things, if you read this blog, we're probably decent enough friends. My interests are the things I've registered for. And the only message you'll be sending will be how awesome you are. Do you see the trouble I've saved you? You're welcome....and thanks in advance.