People Watching

Ya know those days when you've just got nothing to do? I had just such an evening starting about 5 hours ago. I hopped in my car and drove to a nearby grocery store. It happened to be the Smith's Marketplace on Freedom and roughly 350 N in Provo. It was roughly 9 o'clock when I exited the store with a few Sobe™ drinks and some Whoppers™ I sat in my car opening the goodies while watching a few people also exiting the store. This apparently lasted, according to the clock in the car, for about 3 hours before I realized that my drinks were gone, my candy had spilt, and I had to pee.

I was totally enthralled and intrigued. I saw 5 near accidents, 17 PDA offenders, 2 inappropriate PDA offenders, 3 inappropriate hand gestures, 1 dropped bag of groceries, 2 different people taking pictures next to the same sports car (one just a few seconds before the actual owner of the car exited the store), 1 probable drug transaction, 2 failed pick-up attempts by the same guy, 1 creeper talking on the payphone for about 40 minutes (yet he didn't move his lips much), 6 people taking smoking breaks, and the only person I've ever seen buy a porch swing from a grocery store.

I seemed to find the best way to take a completely uneventful evening into an uneventful evening watching other people's slightly more eventful evenings. But I think blogging about it kicks me up to about their level, so I'm feeling good about that.

Snowflake Dispensers

There are some things that I understand need to come in different varieties and variations. People have different personalities and therefor want different products and services to suffice their personal needs. All people like different types of cars, music, movies, clothing, food, etc... These are all things that are pretty substantial in defining a person's identity.

One thing, however, that I DON'T understand is why there are so many different types of paper towel dispensers. I'm not sure I have ever been to two different public restrooms and had the same paper towel dispensing experience. There are hundreds, literally hundreds of various styles. The interesting thing is that none of these dispensers seem to satisfy commonly addressed identity issues. Also, 95% of them fall in the same sufficiency margins...which is unfortunately low. Here are some examples:

The Slot Machine
You pull down the magical nob sticking out and an irritatingly small amount of paper towel comes out, causing you to crank it about 13 times before you can even see it coming out.









The Push
The same basic design as the slot machine but more finger friendly. Now you don't flick water all up and down the wall as you're trying to get the towels out to dry off.







The Wave
Someone is making bank on this by getting motion detectors used in more places than garage flood lights. The main problem is that it's too slow, and I'm pretty sure the government uses them to keep track of population movements by using advanced infrared fingerprint scanning technology.







The Fall Out
Though it is very basic, this is probably the best, most reliable and safest model they've come out with yet. No gadgets or mechanisms that will constantly break. Just simple gravity required, available in most areas.









Why are there so many different kinds? Nobody knows. Which means the true answer is again marketing. Everybody wants to get their hands in as many markets as possible, wet or dry. The more prestigious competitors have left paper completely and take a far greener approach.


Hit it
One of the best technologies on which to take out your standard anger. I always felt the harder I hit it the longer it would stay on. This one is very effective at blowing all the water off your hands and down onto your pants.







Aerial Bliss
New and exciting piece also blatantly plagued with government tracking. Effectively blows your hands dry without making it look like you had a bit of an accident.








So despite all of our breakthroughs in technology, we're still staying as diverse as ever. Keeping things American I suppose. Because of an unwillingness to conform to or support any of these lifestyles or to let the government know what I'm up to, I steer clear of all such devices. I have found 'just holding it' to be the best solution.

Marketing? I should say so.

Among the greatest television commercials

Budweiser - Wazzup!


Budweiser - What are you doing?!


McDonald's - Recital


Carlton Draught - Big ad


Dr Pepper - I would do anything for love


Miller Beer - Domino


Hurrah for a business class where all you do is watch TV spots for all the best beverages and fast food hot spots.

McNeil 2nd Sunday

As far back as time can stretch, there have been reasons to party. When the cavemen invented the wheel, they partied. They probably all took turns sitting inside the wheel and rolling it down from their patios. The ancient Egyptians celebrated the completion of the pyramids with a going away party for the aliens that helped them build them. Columbus celebrated finding America by persecuting the inhabitants of the land he discovered. Abraham Lincoln celebrated the end of the civil war by going to watch a play. All of these are examples of ways that people have celebrated different events over the ages. So we, as descendants, naturally have uncontrollable needs to have such celebration.

Because of this, the McNeil 2nd Sunday was invented.

Almost every month has at least two Sundays....is that not reason enough to celebrate? On these special occasions when the second Sunday of any month comes around, people gather at the Dane and Marianne McNeil household for well prepared home cooking. These gatherings started over 25 years ago when the above party first became official and legally bonded. Over the next 13 years the group increased by a number or two every few years. It peaked at 8 members for the longest time, having some inflation and deflation owing to exchange students, friends and other house-guests. But it has only been within the past few years that McNeil 2nd Sunday really took off.

With a new increase in the age of nephews and nieces, the amount of McNeil blood flowing in the Orem/Provo region increased. Naturally, so did the attendance at the 2nd Sunday's version of the McNeil dinner table. These days were filled with eating, talkativeness, laughter and games in the basement. Since those days, the numbers have grown even more. Many additions were made when one carrying McNeil blood was legally and eternally bound to another. It follows that they would also be able to attend 2nd Sunday festivities with their significant others, respectively.

Along with blood carriers' better halves, roommates of carriers began to attend also. This made for many changes. It increased the amount of food eaten, noise level, laughs and upped the ante on the games that could be played. Unfortunately not everyone can stay living here in the area forever, and many of our number have left us. Though some of our most cherished members have left, the tradition lives on with their memories.

So if you're ever in the area and it happens to be the second Sunday of any given month under the stars, drop on in for some food and good times. Just call in advance so we can save you a seat. If you're not in the area on one of these the second Sundays, just know that you're not having quite as much fun as we are.

But you don't really need this much money to celebrate Christmas

So a few friends and I were driving around a few days ago looking at Christmas lights and having a good time. We went out to Salem and looked at some lights floating on a pond that are set up to look like Christmas trees. They looked really neat out there, especially with their reflections. They also had a bunch of trees with mysteriously un-Christmas-like green and blue spotlights on them. But they looked cool anyway. A lit bridge spans the pond and provides a fantastic place for all visitors to freeze out in the open with winds coming from all directions. We had hot chocolate and continued looking at lights. It wasn't very exciting cause we didn't think there would be much out there to top what we had just seen. My sister had told me about a house that was uniquely decorated, so I decided to check it out. We drove around the foothills of Orem and Lindon for quite a while before we came to a house with flashing lights ALL over the place. There was a sign out front that instructed us to tune our radio to 99.9. The entire light show was put to music!! More and more lights would come on as the music would progress, lights would change colors, speeds and brightness. They were actually in sync with the music! I wasn't quite sure it was possible. We were all very impressed with our new discovery and it kinda pushed the whole pond scene out of our minds. This seemed to be quite a bit more advanced. It's amazing what they can do with technology these days. Either that or the home owner has enough time on his hands to sit inside flipping a few light switches while everyone else enjoys a fantastic yule celebration.

fitting in after the 'mish'

I'm praying that I'm not the only one who feels this way, but when I got home from my mission, I found it a bit difficult to fit in right away. It seemed like the entire world had changed in just 2 short years. When the last movie that you saw before you left was Superman Returns and back when HomestarRunner.com was still popular....

Walking around campus I realized that I didn't understand what people were talking about over 70% of the time. People would also talk about restaurants that I'd never heard of. 93% of everything my family says comes from movie quotes and I was feeling really out of place. So here is what I did to try to pull myself out of this awkwardness and place myself back into 'the swing of things.'

1 - I started watching "The Office." I knew that this would help a little bit, but I didn't realize that it would completely cover the 70% of conversations that I was lacking and quite a bit of the family quotes. Who knew something could become that popular without me.

2 - I went to Demae and tried Sushi. I didn't really see how this would help me all that much, but everyone told me that it was a must. There were about everybody in the world there eating raw fish. I even kinda liked it. People were coming up to me and congratulating me on getting out of the awkward stage of my life. What is that supposed to mean?

3 - As for the movies, it's a never-ending battle. I've watched several and am further behind than when I started. So on that I've given up, but noticed that nobody really cares. I saw The Dark Knight and the Pixar films, that helped a lot. And I learned a few quotes from other movies, just to help me out. Simple things like, "I'm kind of a big deal" "Life is like a box of chocolates..." and "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

So I'm walking around with my head up these days. I understand what people are saying when they tell me that I act like Michael Scott or have the mental capacity of Kevin Malone, so I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

social eating

On Wednesdays I'm on campus all day, seriously it's ridiculous. In the middle of these days I get extremely hungry. It happens every time. I usually end up eating in the cafeteria, and usually eat some delicious sandwich from Subway. After purchasing my food I have the ever-so-fun task of looking for a place to sit...by myself.

While walking around looking for a seat I see about 30 tables with only one person sitting at them. I think of how these people look lame and friendless. So I decide to play a little game. I find a table and sit all by myself and pretend to be just like them. I sit down, throw my backpack onto the chair next to me and look around cautiously as I unwrap my sandwich. As I eat I give these fake looks of longing at the other tables where conversations are actually taking place.

I usually pretend to get some of the dressing on my face and fake feeling stupid for never remembering to pick up a few napkins while I'm at the register. I do this whole routine where I pick up the food that has fallen onto the wrapper and put it back in the sandwich, making myself appear to be inept and unconscious of everything around me.

When I finish my lunch I wrap up the mess that I've made and give a semi-satisfied look. I give a last pretend look around the cafeteria to see if there is anyone at all that I know, then give a fake look of disappointment. I throw my garbage away and start to walk out when I 'remember' that I've left my backpack. I pretend to get all embarrassed and go back for it while avoiding all eye contact. I then walk out by myself, but really I'm feeling bad for all the people in there who really do have to eat all by themselves like social outcasts. The sad part is, they probably don't even have the slightest clue that they're one of them.

courtesy on crutches

I have noticed over the past few days that people don't have a whole lot of respect for people that use crutches to walk around. Apparently we feel that because we can walk around with just our two good legs that we are better than those who have to use a couple of rudimentary poles to assist them. I have decided to devote a few inches of internet space to showing how we can be more courteous to these people in their unfortunate circumstances. Here is a list of a few simple things that you can do.

When you are walking down a long bit of stairs, and there is a person using crutches also walking down the stairs, they generally are going quite a bit slower than you. Be courteous and don't make NASCAR racing sounds as you pass them, just because you can fly past at a quick rate.

When you want to kick the crutches out from underneath someone, think about what you are doing first. You have to be strategic. If you want to be a jerk and hurt them, kick out the crutch on the side of their injured leg. This will cause them to hit that foot on the ground and cause lots of pain. If you just want to be funny and give everyone a good laugh, kick out the crutch opposite their injured leg. This will just trip them up and they'll fall neatly on their healthy side.

It can be frustrating when you are in a hurry, walking down a narrow hallway behind someone who is on crutches. Determine whether you want to be mean or funny, follow the steps in the above paragraph, then jump over them. Try to make a good effort at a laugh as you run by, so that people don't think you're just being malicious.

Lastly, remember that things happen in life. There is a chance that sometime you will be on crutches. I hope that if that happens you will remember this blog, and realize why people do the things they do. It's not out of hate, spite, anger, inconvenience, or frustration. So when you look up at us from the floor remember it's okay to laugh a little, cause we thinks it's funny too.

.....?

I had a great idea for a blog today. I was so excited to write about it. I had thought of some key sentences that I would use to make it ridiculously funny. I even had a very well

planned paragraph break. I got to the library and onto my computer and loaded up my blog. By the time it opened up to the "compose" screen, I'd totally forgotten what I wanted to say. I tried and tried to think of what I wanted to write, but it wasn't coming back to me. I sat there for several minutes but nothing happened. I felt cheated in not being able to write what I wanted to. I thought about how lame it was that I couldn't remember what I wanted to say. It was even almost worth writing about itself......almost.

Not everything can verb

Have you noticed how pretty much anything can be used as a verb these days? It doesn't even have to be a word, people can say whatever they want to! I was talking with a friend asking him how another old friend was doing. He didn't know so he said, "I should facebook him and see what's up." I'm sorry but facebook in not a verb. Neither is Google, you can 'search for something on Google' but you just simply can't 'Google' something.

I decided to try it out when having a conversation with a friend. He used the object verb first saying, "Last weekend my sister got her tires knifed and her car was keyed." So in an attempt to keep up with todays modern language I said, "Man I hate it when people do that, it makes me want to gun them."

If you can just take any object and turn it into a verb, there is no point with having any verbs. So I am keyboarding this blog to information everybody about how ridiculous our speech has become. I am grateful that I can internet this out to all of you at the same time since I'm studenting at BYU, it easiers life. If you question, you can always cellphone me. If I don't cellphone back it's cause i'm either carring, fooding, or funning with friends.

Walk-By Quotes

All around campus, in the halls at school, in the mall or basically anywhere in public there are constantly thousands of different conversations taking place simultaneously. When simply walking by someone in one of these places you don't ever hear enough of the conversation to know what they're actually talking about. Often times these little snippets from other people's lives are quite comical due to the fact that we have no idea what they are really talking about or how they got onto that topic.

When walking around campus one day I was lucky enough to hear two of these walk-by quotes within a matter of minutes. The first was a group of girls talking very quickly with each other. The only words I got out of their conversation came from the girl furthest away from me. "Oh my gosh, I have to find someone to make-out with tonight" are the only words that I ever heard her say. Walking on after a few minutes I heard one guy exclaiming to his friend, "No! I am not the fastest guy in our ward!" I was still chuckling from the first 'WBQ' but when I heard this I actually started laughing. I really wanted to tell the guy that there was a girl just a stone's throw away that he should talk to.


Another time I was walking past a few people doing some service, cleaning up weeds on campus, when I heard one of my favorites. One of the guys was asking the only female in the area, "Can you even name four books from the Apocrypha?" There are some conversations that just scare me.

Here are some of my other favorites:
"We doubled our baptisms by three times!"

"If he's going to be like that, I'm going to be like this"

"At least it isn't yet rain"

"That's all I have to say! and on top of that if you....."

So as I have been thinking about WBQs more often and trying to hear more good ones, I have also been paying closer attention to what I'm saying when people are walking by. The worst was when I found out that my long-lost cousin was in my Book of Mormon class. My mom had told me to call her and invite her to dinner sometime. Next time I got the chance, while walking out of class through a whole mess of people, I brought this issue up with her. I wish that everyone around me had understood that she was my cousin when I said to her, "Hey, my mom wanted me to get your phone number."

California Girls

I recently returned from a vacation from Sunnyvale, California. For those of you who do not know where that is, it is the long skinny state on the west coast that almost got John Kerry elected all by it's self. This blog is to speculate the statement which states something like, "California girls are the best looking." or "No girls compare to California girls" or "I wish they all could be California girls." I have observed from many angles these well known proverbs and have come to one conclusion, they are all FALSE! We'll start with statement #1 "California girls are the best looking." Have you ever driven through BYU campus? Case closed. Statement #2 "No girls compare to California girls." Yes I will admit that California has some extremely attractive girls, but have you ever driven through BYU campus? Statement #3 "I wish they all could be California girls." If every girl were a 'California girl' what would we do with BYU??

Master Plan

Why is it that you can take a normal, average looking guy and make him look like a total idiot just by introducing a into his life. You can ruin a person with stuff like that. I am convinced that guys and s were not meant to know about eachother until the s were 23 and the guys were at least 25. Somewhere this master plan has been foiled and now s are out on the loose ruining guys lives. It's worse than that though, they won't just ruin a life and then move on. They'll ruin a life and then stick around to make sure that any time the guy is trying to pick up the pieces, she's there to knock them all apart again. This heartlessness must be stopped.

KELF

Everyone who has experienced high school has at one point or another known what it is like to not want to go to class. So often times they will try to think of something else that they can do instead of just sitting around. If the person has money then they could go out to breakfast or lunch (depending on the time of day of course.) But if they have no money then what do they have? Most of these poor people that have no money can not think of anything to do so they end up just going to class. This is a sad fate and it must be avoided. For this cause the UVSC Distance Education students in C-3 of Orem High School have developed and perfected KELF. This sport was actually discovered by OHS students. The story goes like this.
One day I was sitting in C-3 watching my Meteorology class when I noticed that I was thirsty. I then took my facilitator's keys and went to the Teacher's Lounge to get a drink (because in the teacher's lounge they are only $.50) As I was walking back to class I saw Alex Call walking away from the classroom. So to get his attention, I took my keys out of my pocket and threw them at him. It later occurred to me that this may not have been the best way to get his attention, but it worked. When the keys hit the ground they landed on a blue tile. (There are random blue and yellow tiles all throughout my school, cause those are the school colors.) Then Alex said, "Hey, that landed right in the middle of this blue square here! Let me see if I can get it to land on a blue square."
Thus, KELF was born. KELF is a mixture of two words, KEy and goLF, cause it's like golfing with keys. So that is pretty much what we did all through this school year is throw our keys down the halls and try to get them to land on specific tiles. The hardest course that we made was the one that goes right by the counseling office and ends up by the principals office. But it's the most fun. So the next time that you are in school and decide to sluff class, try playing KELF. I promise that it is more fun than you can imagine right now. This will open up a door to a whole new room in the funness of your life. Ü

Hi Jack!

As I was sitting here thinking of what to write about, the phone rang. On the caller I.D. it said Delta Airlines. I usually don't answer the phone when it says that because I know it's for my dad. But my dad was on a trip so I was confused as to why Delta would be calling. So I answered the phone and they asked for my mom. I told the lady that my mom was gone shopping for a while and asked if I could take a message. She then began to tell me that the plane that my dad was flying was hijacked while it was still on the runway. She then said that there was no way to tell what was going on in the airplane because the communication had been cut. I didn't know what to do, I was so scared. I quickly called my mom on her cell phone but she didn't answer it. I freaked out, I didn't know what to do. After about 10 minutes Delta called back with updates. They told me that the plane had taken off and was headed over the Atlantic Ocean (from JFK International Airport.) I had no idea what to do!! I couldn't find my mom and nobody else was in the house. I called my grandparents house and told my grandma and she started crying. She told me to hang up quickly and wait for more information from Delta. About 15 minutes after I got off the phone with my grandma Delta called back. The lady seemed calm and told me not to worry. But I was still in a freak panic, I wanted to know what the heck was going on with my dad. She assured me that everything would be okay because the President of Spain was on that flight. This made no sense to me, so I asked what in the name of the ruler of Spain that had to do with. She then explained that it was in Spain when the first day of April because known as April Fool's Day.

A Place

I've decided that everybody should have a place to go when they just need to be alone. A place where you can go just to get away. Away from life, away from family, away from friends, away from school, just away. A place where you can think and not have to worry about being interrupted or distracted. A place where you can feel comfort. A place where you can find peace. A place to relax. A place where you can scream. A place where you can cry (not that I cry or anything like that;) But mostly it needs to be a place where you can be alone where nobody would think of coming to look for you. You should use this place anytime you are not feeling right. That can mean you are feeling mad, sad, depressed, alone, confused, or even jealous. Just sit down in your own little place and absorb good feelings. I know that it sounds kind of cheesy but trust me, it works.

TAX

I just got back from vacationing in Oregon to visit my cousins, Stacey and Julie. Actually, I was visiting their whole family but since Stacey and Julie are closest to my age, and are the ones that I play with, I say that I was visiting them. So while I was on this vacation there were a few times when we would go to a store to buy something. The first time I was in a Wal-Mart and I was buying Wrigley's WinterFresh Gum TM. So I got up to the register and was prepared to pay for the 89 cent package with a 1 dollar bill. I did so and the cashier took my money and gave me back 11 cents in change. This caused me to pause and think for a moment. Surely this could not be correct, what about the sales tax, but then it struck me. THERE IS NO SALES TAX IN OREGON!!! This instantly put me in a fantastic mood and made me want to go buy more cheap stuff. We then went into a store with the title "The Dollar Tree" We have these stores in Utah also and they pride themselves in advertising that everything in the store is just one dollar. But If you only have one dollar you cannot walk into the store and buy a single item because of a sales tax. But when you are in Oregon you can purchase anything you want in that entire store having nothing more than 100 pennies. But of course there is always a drawback. Oregon makes up for the money by placing insane property taxes. This is why I have decided that when I grow up I will beat the system by living in Washington or on the peninsula of Idaho and crossing the border to do all of my shopping.

The Shaft

I've noticed that there really is no good way to break up with someone. No matter what they say to you to sugar coat it or justify it, it is still going to hurt. They could do it by saying that they wanted to play 20 questions and then ask "If someone were to ask you tomorrow if we were still together, what would you say?" Then when you answered "Well I would say yes" because you weren't expecting anything. But then she (or he) might just say "Well then you would be wrong." And that could totally hurt because that's probably not the kindest way to let someone go. But on the other end of the spectrum, they could just start a nice and totally ordinary conversation with you. Then they would ask some simple questions and give simple answers to your questions. And they could be totally loving and kind during the whole thing. And it would still hurt just as bad afterwards. So what I'm saying is that I guess I realize that these things are going to hurt so I might as well just learn to get over them. It's practically a natural part of life when you are "going out" in high school. Now if I could just remember that, this wouldn't hurt so bad.

A Kiss

So tonight for my "Introduction to the History of Theater" class I went to see a junior high school's production of "The Music Man" Since it was a junior high school production I did not expect it to be all that grand. And my expectations were actually almost exactly what the play turned out to be. But there were some things that happened that I was not expecting. Like the part where Marian and Professor Hill are talking on the bridge, they actually kissed. And it was not a kiss that Disney would have put in one of his movies (unless you count "A Cinderella Story" or other movies that have come out recently that I'm pretty sure Walt wouldn't be too happy about) So I'm sitting there thinking, wow, this kid is only 14 years old and he's already into the kissing bit. Then I finally realized what all of this meant. It meant that he had beaten me by 3 years!! That's just pathetic. So I leaned over to inform my younger brother of this humiliating discovery when he announced to me that this was not the first time, but that he kissed someone in a play last year. So instead of 3, he totally shows me up by beating me by 4 years!! And that's just counting the ones that we can prove. Who knows, he could have beaten me by up to 14 years! Actually I don't think it counts until after you are at least 12ish so the most he could have beaten my by is 5 years. So anyway, after the play I go to congratulate him on a play well performed and he's just got this smug little smile on his face. A look like he knows exactly what I'm thinking and he just thinks that it's funny that he is such an American Idol and I'm just a walking "wanna be". Except he's younger than me so that would make me a "wish I coulda been."

Parking Violation

Have you ever been trying to find a parking place in a fairly full parking lot and you finally think that you see a good spot but when get there you see that some idiot has parked in a way that he is taking up more than one parking spot? Or just seen somebody parked taking up 4 spots just because they have a nice car? Or parked at the end of a row where there isn't a parking space? Or parked by a red curb that says, "No Parking Anytime"? It is something that has bugged me for quite a long time and has caused me to think about being a police officer and just giving out parking tickets. I've also thought about becoming president so that I can implement a death penalty for parking violations. But those seem kinda drastic. And often times, people just need a friendly little reminder that tells them how stupid they are. So I found this little message that I like to print off and toss on these people's windshields. It seems to work quite effectively.

PARKING VIOLATION

This is not a ticket, but if it were within my

power, you would receive two. Because of

your Bull Headed, inconsiderate, feeble

attempt at parking. You have taken enough

room for a 20 mule team, 2 elephants, 1 goat

and a safari of pygmies from the African

interior, The reason for giving you this is so

that in the future you may think of someone

else, other than yourself. Besides I don't like

domineering, egotistical or simple minded

driver and you probably fit into at least

one of these categories.

I sign of wishing you an early transmission

failure (on the expressway at about 4:30

p.m.). Also may the Fleas of a thousand

camels infest your armpits

WITH MY COMPLIMENTS

Now this may not change the attitude of the jerk who parked as though he were the king of some small foreign nation that nobody has ever heard of. But I can guarantee that it'll make you feel a whole lot better. So if you'd like you can copy this and paste and print them out to use at your own discretion. Any violent consequences that may occur due to the use of these strategically organized words can not be held against me.