new blog location

My blog has moved!!

www.BecauseItAmusesMe.com 

I am thrilled to announce that I have a new location for my blog. I will no longer be posting at anamusedlife.blogspot.com or at shampoozi.blogspot.com. I've moved on.

I also created a Facebook page for my blog to help people keep up to date. You can find (and Like) my page here:  www.facebook.com/BecauseItAmusesMe

This will be the last post on this blog. So come on over to damonmcneil.com. I already have 5 new posts over there, and counting!

"Shampoozi" is now "Because It Amuses Me"

For quite some time now I have been thinking of changing the name of my blog. I wanted it to be something that truly represented me and the things I wrote. Shampoozi is a word that I made up years ago. As a young kid, it seemed fitting as the title of my blog. But now I want something with more clarity and purpose.

Everything that I have ever written on this blog was written for amusement. Since my following has never amounted to much, the target for amusement was usually myself. I write about the things in my head that make me giggle. I write about aspects of life of moments that I find comical. And if someone else is able to enjoy what I write as well, all the better.

So if you, as so many others have, ever feel the need to ask me, "Damon, why did you write that blog post?" or "Why do you even have a blog?" I give you my answer.

Invention #1 - Chain-Link Climbing Shoes

This invention is meant to make climbing a chain-link fence easier. Climbing a fence with big shoes is difficult because the toes of the shoe are too big to fit into the tiny holes in the fence. My invention puts the perfect tip on the end of the shoe for fitting into the holes of a chain link fence.

Below are a few pictures of my prototypes:

      

These shoes are perfect for evading police and dogs, bank heists, quick getaways, and the like. Obviously these aren't in full production yet, the patent on these little gems is pending. However, you can still pre-order your pair now, with a minimal deposit.

This is the first installment of what promises to be many posts about some my ideas for various inventions. Granted, some of these ideas will be better than others. But mostly, some of them will be worse and more ridiculous than others.

Prank Call

While driving home today, there was a car in front of me that had a phone number painted on the rear window. It looked as though the car might have been for sale, but it didn't say that anywhere on the car. I decided to give the phone number a call just to have a little fun with it.

I dialed the number while sitting at a red light. The light turned green, we started moving and the phone started to ring. The car moved slowly so I changed lanes and started to pass it. The man driving the car answered the phone right as I came up along side of him. I glanced over and noticed that he was hispanic.

All he said was "hello," but it caught me off guard. I realized that I had no idea what I was going to say. Probably subconsciously affected by his physical appearance, I said, "Hello, is Carlos there?" I definitely wasn't prepared for his answer. "This is him."

I panicked. Do I pretend to be interested in buying the car? Was it even really for sale? Why would someone put their phone number on the back of their vehicle? Why did I call this person? How is his name Carlos?!? With all these thoughts, the only words I was albe to process were, "uhh, sorry, I have the wrong number."

Classy Damon. Only after confirming that I am speaking with the person I was intending to reach by dialing the phone number do I think to say that I have misdialed. I hung up the phone. By this time I was in front of him and he probably saw me drop my phone from my ear as the call disconnected. I felt awkward for the next few miles while he stayed right behind me.

Don't think that I didn't learn from this experience. I did. I learned that the next time I call a random number I see on a car, and the person answers, and I ask for a random name, and it happens to be the person driving the car, I decided that I will NOT say I have the wrong number and hang up. Instead, I'll try talking about how my day went or something, making him think that he should know who I am, and that he should care about how my day went. It'll be epic.

Galstooks

When I was in Ukraine, I bought a lot of ties. Since my return, these ties have been kept in rubbermade bins. Every time I needed a tie, I would fumble around the bins to try to find one that went with what I was wearing. However, that all ended on my birthday a couple days ago.

My amazing wife spent much of the past several months building shelves specifically for my ties. I have mentioned that it would be nice to have something like that a few times over the past years, but I never thought anything of it. I figured something this awesome only existed in fairytales. But it's real. Now a reality right in my closet! All my ties are on display so that I can easily find the exact one I want to wear.

Thanks Chelsey, you're the best!!

Quarter of the Century

"Quarter of the Century" was the celebration of my twenty-fifth birthday. Following tradition, I created a list of 25 things that I wanted to accomplish on my birthday. Here's how my day went:

#1 - Wake up in my sleeping quarters

This isn't exactly what the bed looked like when I woke up, but you get the picture. Literally, you get this picture.

#2 - Flip a quarter to make decisions throughout the day

Let chance decide how the day will go.

Painger

Have you ever stubbed your toe, or something along those lines, and instantly you become extremely angry? It happens to me quite often. I don't get mad at anyone or even any thing specifically. It just immediately ruins my mood.

A few days ago I got out of the shower and had some water in my ears. I decided to grab a couple Q-tips to clean them out and dry them. I grabbed two without looking at them and stuck them in my ears. I immediately realized the the one that went in my left ear didn't have any cotton on it. It was just a plastic stick I had shoved into my ear. It ruined my entire morning.

A couple of weeks ago my wife and I were at Home Depot looking for some wood for a project. While examining the various products we both bent over at the same time and hit our heads together, pretty hard. We both stood up with angry faces and didn't want to talk about it. We weren't mad at each other, just at the situation. It actually became kind of funny pretty quick, because of how mad we had both just become.

Just yesterday at work I turned in my chair and pinched my finger between my chair and my desk. I was in a bad mood for hours!

Why do we get so mad about pain in small doses? Or am I the only one who experiences this? Does anyone else have similar experiences? Am I losing my mind?

It's reached the point where I don't ever want to move when I'm in a good mood. I feel like I'm always standing on a dangerous precipice and I could fall at any moment. Everything seems to be out to get me and make me paingry and I can't tell if it's real life or if it's a dream. Even now I don't know if I'm really writing this or if I'm dreaming it. I'd pinch myself to make sure this isn't a dream, but then I'd just be in a bad mood when I woke up.

The Land Before Smartphones

I kind of miss the days back before I had the universe at my fingertips. Life was simpler then. It was a different life. I kind of remember what it was like, but not very well.

One thing that went out the window is trying to navigate with an actual map. Actually, quite literally in many cases, the map went out the window. We don't have to think about how we will get anywhere or even how long it will take to get there. Instead, we are given all of this information by an annoying, yet somehow still soothing, voice.

One thing I miss is being able to say "I wonder..." instead of "Hang on, let me see..." We used to imagine what the world was like. We used to joke and wonder how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Whereas now we can find that some nut job did pretty thorough scientific research and approximates that it takes 508 licks.

People also used to write notes to themselves on their hands. You could fit reminders for random things and an abbreviated grocery list in a single sweaty palm. Now-a-days I rarely see hands covered in those self drawn ink tattoos.

Now, I don't want it to come across that I wish smartphones had never been invented so we could go back to the way things were. I love the technological advances that have been made in recent years. This whole post was written on a smartphone and is quite possibly being read on one. It was just nice to reminisce of a time when I thought my phone didn't know as much as me.

QR Codes

Plan for Time Travel Before It's Too Late!

We all know that time travel has not yet been achieved. We know this because if it had been achieved someone would have brought back a copy The Dark Knight Rises and plastered it all over the Internet. We would also be eating grapefruit year-round instead of just in the winter.

Most of us don't really think to often about what we will do when time travel is accomplished. I think this is a mistake. When the first time traveler succeeds to warp around the standard tick of a clock, it's going to happen fast. It might actually happen slow, depending on how it all actually works, but I think for us it will seem like it's happening fast. We need to be prepared. If we don't plan for time travel until it is an actuality, we may never have time to do it. So what are we going to do with the new discovery?

If I am part of this elite group who finally succeeds, the first thing I'll do is sell it. Imagine Amazon.com having a 'same second delivery' option. You browse for whatever you want. Proceed to checkout. Make the purchase. Your doorbell rings. Amazon processed your order 5 days ago and didn't even need to overnight ship it to get it to you on time.

I would market it to grocery stores so that none of their produce ever went bad. They could see what items didn't get purchased during the week, then bring them through the time continuum and they'd still be fresh! You could have freshly picked berries that have sat in the store for weeks!

Depending on how the time travel stuff actually works, I would also set up a booth where people could come and get a quick glimpse into their future. Anyone could do it, but it would be marketed toward people preparing for job interviews so that they could more accurately answer the question, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Let's just be prepared. I'll leave the actual inventing of some sort of time machine to other people, I'll just have a plan for the thing once it's built. Otherwise it'll end up crushed by a dinosaur or carried off by Morlocks. We don't need anything that drastic. So if any of your future selves has any other great ideas for using time travel in clever and inventive ways, come back to this time and voice your idea in a comment. If my future self is ever able to come back to what is now the present, I'll be sure to leave a message hidden in this post.

Shake'n It Up

My company participated in a state-wide earthquake drill this week. It was pretty crazy. They said that we should do exactly what we would do in the event of an earthquake. They said they would announce over the intercom when the earthquake started. We would then take action. We were told to get under our desks and watch for things that could fall and hit us.

It was hard not to anticipate the earthquake. I tried my best to make sure that everything was just as it would be if I had no idea anything was happening. I had my phone on my desk, snacks & a water bottle right next to me, and I was listening to music. You might think that this is just basic stuff, but it turns out it is the perfect earthquake preparation.

The second I heard the intercom system I grabbed my snacks and phone and dove under my desk. I pulled my chair up next to my desk to help block things that could potentially fall and injure me. I rested my head on the knocked-over garbage bin that I usually rest my feet on. I had queued up about 1.6 hours of music on Grooveshark and still hand my headphones in. The snacks were nice to keep up my strength and provide me with some comfort. I had a fully charged phone with Temple Run loaded and ready to go.

I was prepared for anything, except what actually happened. The intercom chimed again. After 60 seconds, the drill was over. My heart sank a little bit. I was so ready to outlast the elements. But it definitely has made me more prepared. I make sure that I keep my snacks under my computer now and that I always have a good hour of music in queue with the repeat feature selected.

So as long as the earthquake doesn't knock out the power so I can't listen to music and as long as it doesn't shake the ground so much that it messes up my Temple Run, and as long as it doesn't open a big gaping hole beneath me or cause my desk to fall and crush my body, I say, "Bring it on"

What is a blog post worth?

When I was in college I took a Creative Writing class. We had various assignments to test our abilities and teach us new ways to write. The description for one of our assignments was: "Write a 1,000 word description of this class. You can describe the professor, students, classroom, etc."

This is what I turned in:

JaEmSaSnIdCaA - Jim, I wrote this about you!

Girls read too much into stuff. They could look at the back of a shampoo bottle and notice, "Hey, the first or last letter of every third, fourth or seventh word spells out my name with just that one exception, I wonder if Suave is stalking me. Can they see me?" On the other hand a guy could be watching a sitcom where there is a character with his same name, same phone number, same wardrobe, same apartment layout, and same friends and all he would think is, "Huh, maybe all the misdialed calls that come to me are actually trying to reach this guy!"

Another example, when a girl has a crush on a guy, she will often fantasize about their names. Sometimes they will mix their names together to see what messages or secret codes they can find. Another standard way a girl will do this is to use her own first name with the guy's last name to see how it sounds. The girl is trying to find crazy signs that they were meant to be together. It's a girl thing. Proof, you never see guys putting their first names with  the girl's last name.

Playing with phone numbers is another example. Girls take the phone number of their crush and add, subtract or multiply it with their own. This new number they come up with provides some definition to their life. They look for that number in locker combinations, fortune cookies, the time of day, etc. They are obsessed with finding some sort of extra connection. If a guy gets a girl's phone number, all he does with it is brag about it to his friends.

Now, to be fair, there are some guys who read too much into things and a few girls who don't. But those are the exceptions. Some guys use Suave scalp solutions and some girls like action movies and actually drive pretty well.

But some of you girls are probably reading this and thinking that I am directing this entire post at you. Unfortunately, Jim probably still hasn't caught on. He is still wondering why he gets a busy signal when dialing the phone number of his favorite TV star.

how do you use your phone book?

I can't remember the last time I used a phone book for what it was actually intended. With the recent debut of the Internet, the information contained in phone books suddenly became much more accessible, user friendly and comprehensive. Need proof? Stalkers and con artists don't use phone books.


This doesn't mean that phone books are completely useless though. They can be useful, just not really for finding phone numbers and stuff. Here are a few ways in which the phone book can prove to be kind of useful:


Kindling for a fire
Booster Seat/foot rest
Target for shooting
Door stop
Killing bugs
Pressing Flowers
Paper mache
Temporary “business advertisement tattoos”
Toilet paper backup 


These all seem to be pretty decent uses, but I don't think that any of them justify the actual creation of these books. So there must be something deeper that I'm not able to see on the surface. My best guess is that they are mass manufactured to prevent tree over-population. It's the governments way of helping move global warming along. Why else would they mass produce booster seats  to be delivered right at our doorstep?

I had a dream the other night...

I had a dream last night that involved many of my co-workers.

There was some sort of UFO crash landing site. Our secret base wasn't too far off so we just had our flying robotic drones carry the pieces of the wreckage into the base to be analyzed. When the drones would grab a hold of the crash debris, they would somehow have all of their power and energy sucked out of them. Finally there was one that had some sort of coating that kept it safe from being drained by the debris. It carried a few pieces back to our lab. I was somehow able to see that Tim and Clint were going to inspect the mysterious piece of metal. Tim walked up behind Clint and said, "Before we get started..." and he bashed Clint over the head, knocking him out. I was then somehow able to see Spencer and Amanda who were inspecting some object that was found on the ship. Tim randomly appeared and said, "Before we get started..." and he bashed them both over the head.

Next thing I knew, Chad and I were inspecting an unknown type of liquid that was found on the ship. We assumed that it was used for fuel but we couldn't be sure. As we were performing experiments and tests on the liquid, Tim walked in. He came right up to us and said, "Hey, before we get started..."

BAM! I didn't hesitate, I punched Tim in the face. His head kicked back momentarily, but the punch didn't seem to phase him. He looked surprised and said, "Seriously? I'm P90X!" He then bashed Chad over the head. I executed the unfailing drop kick and knocked Tim back into a table full of Chemistry equipment. I asked Tim, "How many people have you killed? How many dreams have you crushed? How many fair tales have you ruined?!?" He came at me again and stopped suddenly. He pointed behind me and said, "Look at that!" I wasn't fooled, I wasn't going to let my guard down. He then relaxed and said, "My lucky charm!" He walked over to a small computer chip that was hanging on a hook on the wall right next to me. He looked like a kid who had just found his favorite toy. I was perplexed, but not for long. I took the moment and bashed Tim over the head.

That was when I woke up

donettes?

The other day I was invited over to my friend Suzy Q's place for what was supposed to be a fun and enjoyable evening. The Ding Dong of the doorbell was met with cheers from inside and I was pulled straight into some sort of game. The best way to explain the game was that it felt like doing a Cup Cake walk while someone was trying to hit me with a Sno Ball. I guess I just didn't get it, but from the he hes ha has and Ho Hos coming from the other players, I figured it was a pretty fun game. I was kind of even enjoying it when I hit my elbow on a cabinet, it was a real Zinger I could feel through my whole body. Apparently Suzy thought it was cute because she kept looking at me and smiling with a TwinkIe in her eye. It was kind of creepy.

All I really got out of this that evening was a firm decision that I'm not going to any more of Suzy's parties, she's a terrible Hostess.

burning calories

This guy at work was bragging about how many calories he burned last week. He touted that he burned over 3200 calories in six days. He even had a website that tracked everything for him. He seemed to be pretty proud of himself and his achievement, so I decided to voice my admiration for what he had done. "Big deal, I could do that," I said.

He looked at me incredulously and explained that he ran 2 miles and biked for a half hour every other day. On the off days he swam 2500 meters. He walked practically everywhere he went, and he played sports on the weekends.

He challenged me to burning as many calories as he did in only one week. He didn't think I could do it.

But I did, I did it in 3 minutes. To my way of thinking, he did it the hard way. I just bought 6 Big Macs and lit them on fire.

Buffet Hangover

I don't drink. In the movies when people drink, they seem to have a good time. I have known people who would talk about how awful they feel after drinking. Bill Cosby addressed this in a routine called "Having a Good Time." Why would people drink, feel awful, want to die, throw up, pass out, and do it all over again? This always makes me question, "Then why do you do it?" Unfortunately, I think I found an answer.

Yesterday I found myself eating at Chuck-A-Rama, an all-you-can-eat buffet. It cost about $11 for all the meat, potatoes, veggies, fruit, salad, scones, soda and desserts that you could manage. I was determined to get my money's worth. I didn't pile my plates super high because I knew I could go back as many times as I wanted, so I did.

Plate 1: Salad, fruit, mac & cheese and a scone. With chicken noodle soup on the side. (Dr. Pepper)
-At this point I was still feeling pretty good and was excited to get some real food.

Plate 2: Turkey, roast beef, bbq chicken drumstick, mashed potatoes with gravy and a scone
-Really getting into the food after having the good stuff, slowing down but ready for more.

Plate 3: Some type of casserole, green beans, corn and a scone. (More Dr. Pepper)
-About the time I hit the middle of plate 3 I was feeling like I could stop eating and be satisfied. But there was still more food. And, at this point, I had paid almost $4 per plate. That isn't a bad price, but I knew I could get it down from there.

Plate 4: Three scones. (Apple Beer)
-After this, I had to stop. There was no more room. But I hadn't had dessert yet.

Plate 5: Brownie, peach cobbler, chocolate pudding and a strawberry/vanilla soft serve frozen yogurt twist. (Tiger's Blood slush drink)
-I wanted to cry. Each bite of frozen yogurt hurt as it filled the non-existent space in my stomach. The pudding had no room and just filled up my throat. I filled my mouth with the peach cobbler and just shoved the brownie in.

I sat there waiting for the food to digest. Instead it felt like the food was digesting my insides. It seemed to swell. I couldn't move. I eventually was able to hobble out to the car and magically made it home. I collapsed on the floor, stared at the ceiling and asked myself, "Why?"

I thought of each item I had eaten and the total cost. I figured it cost less than $.50 for each item, not even including the drinks. Initially I thought about how that was a pretty good price. But then I thought that I would pay $1 per item to go back in time and not eat it. I sloshed into my bed and quickly fell asleep.

I skipped breakfast this morning because I still couldn't think about food. Now it's about 11:15 and I'm getting hungry. I just found out that the local all-you-can-eat pizza buffet is having a 20% off deal for lunch today. I wonder how many slices of pizza I'll need to eat to get each one under $.25.....

There and back again

African beasts can deliver extremely fatal gashes. Hazardous incidents justifiably keep leery mothers near offspring ‐ predators quite regularly snatch toddlers unnoticed. Velociraptors worry xenophobic young zebras.

Zack Young's x-ray was very unsettling; thankfully, surgeons responded quickly. Physicians offered new medicines leaving knee joints immobilized. Hospitals genuinely feel extreme distress can be abated.